William Shakespeare's
rolling over in his grave...
Hamlet

Translated by Chris
Any and all spelling mistakes should be reported to your local police.

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Act I
Scene I	Scene: Elsinore Castle: A Guard Platform
	Enter Nardo and Cisco, two sentinels. [Meeting]
Nardo:	Yo, who dat?
Cisco:	Naw, dawg, who dat?
Nardo:	Big up ta Copenhizzagen.
Cisco:	Nardo?
Nardo:	True dat.
Cisco:	Werd, dawg. Don't be sneakin' on me.
Nardo:	's twelve, G. Get on back ta yo' crib, Cisco.
Cisco:	Werd to yo' motha. 's colder den shit and I jus' ain't feelin it.
Nardo:	You peep anythin'?
Cisco:	Ain't peeped shit.
Nardo:	Peace out! Yo, if you peep Lil' Ho or Marco, my dawgs, tell dem bitches to step on it.
	Enter Lil' Ho and Marco
Cisco:	Hold up, dawg - Whazzzup! Who dat?
Marco:	Big up!
Cisco:	Respect!
Marco:	Peace out, dawg! Who dat?
Cisco:	's Nardo. Peace out!
		Exit Cisco
Marco:	Whazzzup! Nardo!
Nardo:	Yo, who dat? Lil' Ho?
Lil' Ho:	Whazzzup!
Nardo:	Whazzzaaap!
Lil' Ho:	Whazzzup, you peeped it yet?
Nardo:	I ain't peeped nuthin'
Marco:	Lil' Ho says we all full of shit, and he ain't down wi'dat. So I brought dis bitch along to peep it and maybe get it to say some shit.
Lil' Ho:	Shit, it ain't gonna show.
Nardo:	Sit yo' bitch ass down and peep dis shit, which you ain't havin none of.
Lil' Ho:	Chill out, dawg. Drop yo' shit.
Nardo:	Aiight, last night, when shit was all good and all da honeys were fly, Marco and me, at like one in da mornin' -
	Enter Ghizzost
Marco:	Yo, slow your roll. Dat bitch's here again.
Nardo:	Yo, dat bitch look jus' like da King.
Marco:	Lil' Ho, speak to da bitch.
Nardo:	Yo, dat bitch so looks like da King. What you think, Lil' Ho?
Lil' Ho:	True dat. Dat bitch be scarin da shit outta me.
Nardo:	Speak to da bitch.
Marco:	True dat, Lil' Ho.
Lil' Ho:	Whazzzup Ghizzost! Yo bitch, what's up wit' yo' ass lookin like da King? Say sumfin, bitch!
Marco:	Yo, shithead, you pissed it off.
Nardo:	Damn, man.
Lil' Ho:	Hold up, dawg! Yo, get yo' bitch ass back here!
		Exit Ghizzost
Marco:	You dun run da bitch off.
Nardo:	What you gonna do now, Lil' Ho? You lookin' all sissy like. You see, dat bitch was real. Whatchu think 'bout dat?
Lil' Ho:	Holy shit! I don't belie' dat shit! If I ain't seen it myself.
Marco:	Da bitch look like da King, didn't it?
Lil' Ho:	True dat. Da bitch look jus' like da King when he was kickin' it in Norway, pullin dem drive-bys. Dat be some messed up shit.
Marco:	I told you we seen dat bitch like twice before.
Lil' Ho:	I dunno what de shit be happenin', but I'm sure it's some pretty fucked up shit.
Marco:	Aiight. Now, somebody explain dis shit ta me: Why de shit are we always out here, what de shit be up wit' all dis gun buyin' shit, and what de shit be up wit' all dem damn boat bitches, workin like a bunch of pimped ho's ta build shit? Which one of you punk bitches can tell me?
Lil' Ho:	I got you. Most people say da King, da one who look like dat bitch Ghizzost, got bitched out by Tiny from Nizzorway. Not one ta play da punk, da King dropped his shit and popped a cap in Tiny's ass. So when da punk ass was down, da King got all his turf. It was all good. So da King took his shit and was kickin' it like old times. But den Tiny's boy, bitchin around his crib, started puttin' together his crew. Him and all his punk bitches gonna try and take back deys hood. So dat's what all da lookout and guns and boat shit be.
Nardo:	Yo, dat's probably da reason dat bitch dat looks like da King keeps showin' up 'round here.
Lil' Ho:	Dis be some whack shit. jus' like before my boy Julius Caesar got capped, when all dat wierd shit was goin down, wit' my dead homies hangin' loose. And all da shit in da sky wuz goin down, and it wuz like one of dem eclipses. All dat crazy shit be jus' like whut's goin' down right now.
	Enter Ghizzost
	Shit, dawg! Dat bitch be back! I'm gonna cap dis bitch! (It opens it's arms) Hold up, bitch! If it's all good, drop yo' shit! If we can do sumfin' ta make it all good, drop yo' shit! If you know what shit's 'bout ta go down, drop yo' shit, bitch! If you got some shit hid like dey say dem other bitches do, drop yo' shit! (The cock crows) Drop yo' shit, bitch! Marco, drop da shit!
Marco:	You want me ta bust out my 9?
Lil' Ho:	True, smoke dat bitch!
		[They shoot at it]
Nardo:	Yo!
Lil' Ho:	Yo!
		[Exit Ghizzost]
Marco:	Shit, we fucked it up, tryin' ta cap dat bitch. We can't do shit.
Nardo:	It's dat damn rooster's fault.
Lil' Ho:	Den da bitch split. I peeped some shit 'bout dem roosters, wi'dat cock-a-doodle shit callin' da sun and scarin' dat bitch.
Marco:	Dat bitch split when da rooster started his shit. I peeped dis shit sayin' dat none of dis Ghizzost shit goes down in da whole month of Christmas. No wicked shit can go down. Da damn rooster don't ever shut up.
Lil' Ho:	True dat. Hol' up dawgs, it's like mornin' or some shit. Let's get da shit outta here. We got to tell Hammy 'bout dis too. If dat bitch ain't gonna talk to us, maybe it'll show Hammy some props. You down wi'dat?
Marco:	Werd. I know jus' where Hammy be. Let's do dis.
		Exeunt

 

Act I
Scene 2	Scene: The Castle
	Flourish. Enter C-Dawg da King, Trudy da Queen, Council, P-Lo, Latrell, Hammy, everybody [including Vomit and Corny]
C-Dawg:	Tho da forties we have poured for our fallen homie be still runnin', and we all still feelin' like shit and all dis shit goin' down, we still gots to remember our own shit. So now, as da King, I be takin' da Queen, da sweetest ho - tho feelin' like shit and baulin' like a punk bitch, wit' all da good and bad shit - as my ho. We still givin' all y'all y'all's props. Big up to all y'all! Now, y'all all know Tiny's boy, thinkin' we's all punk bitches, or thinkin' we all fucked up by da old King's passin', 's been gettin' his boys together, and he's been bugglin like da punk bitch he be. He's always wantin' his shit bacl. Fuck him. Now, back to our shit. I got dis paper here tellin' Tiny's uncle - some old bitch who can't do nuthin' - to call off his boy. So my dawgs Vomit and Corny here, y'all take dis to dat old bitch.
		[He gives a paper]
	Peace out, dawgs!
Corny: Vomit:	Werd to yo' motha!
C-Dawg:	Werd! Respect!
		[Exeunt Vomit and Corny]
	Aiight, Latrell, whazzzup? You wuz sayin' some shit earlier, so drop yo' shit. You can't be all bitchy and den close up. What da fuck you want? All da shit be good 'tween me an' yo' pops, so drop yo' shit.
Latrell:	C-Dawg, I jus' wanna gizzet my ass bizzack to Frizzance. I came here to give you yo' prizzops, now I want to bust it on outta hizzere.
C-Dawg:	Dis coo' wit' yo' pops? What say you, P-Lo?
P-Lo:	Werd, C-Dawg. It's all good. My boy wuz buggin', but I said it's cool. Let his ass go.
C-Dawg:	Peace out, Latrell. Do yo' shit while you still got da Jones to do it. Whazzzup, Hammy, ma boy-
Hammy:	More den yo' boy, less den a dawg.
C-Dawg	Whaz wrong wi'you?
Hammy:	Ain't no thang, C-Dawg.
Trudy:	Hammy, don't be such a punk ass. Yo' pops be gone, ain't no reason to stay all unhappy and shit. You know ain't nuthin' dat lasts foreva.
Hammy:	I heard dat.
Trudy:	Yo, wit' all dat, why dis shit seem so personal?
Hammy:	Whatchu mean, "seems," ho? Ain't no "seems" shit. It's all true. It ain't my fly gear, momma. It aint my Pumas, it ain't my breathin's, it ain't me cryin', it ain't da way I look, it ain't none of dat shit dat tells what I be feelin'. All dat shit might "seems," tho. Inside's where da real shit be. Dis be jus' me frontin'.
C-Dawg:	Dat shit's all good, Hammy. It's all good, but you know yo' pops lost his pops, and he lost his pops. Dis mournin' shit be all good, but you been down wit' it too damn long. You playin' da fool. Don't even seem like no man no more. It ain't yo' fault he got popped, you need to jus' stop buggin'. Now, since you pops be gone, I want to be yo' new pops. I know you wanna get back to Wittenbizzerg, but it would be da shiznit if you'd stay here and cheer da fuck up, ma boy.
Trudy:	Don't be playin' yo' momma, Hammy. Stay here, aiight?
Hammy:	Werd, Trudy.
C-Dawg:	Tight, dawg. You gonna stay in Dizzenmark. Truy, let's roll. Hammy's bein' down wit' Dizzenmark's got me all worked up. I need to throw back some forties. Let's roll.
		Flourish. Exeunt, all but Hammy
Hammy:	Yo, dis shit's got me buggin'. If only ma Boy hadn't said no to cappin' yoself. Ma Boy, yo. I am so fuckin' tired of dis lame shit. Fuck all dat shit! 's all punk shit. Why it got to be like dis? Ma pops been gone like two months, da phatest King, givin' props to ma momma. Shit, dawg. Why I gots to 'member dis shit? Man, she was all over ma pops, givin' him be props, but like a month ago-Why I got to think dis shit? Frailty, you be a ho.-since she was at his funeral, she got wed to ma uncle, ma pop's boy, who wadn't nuthin' like ma pops. She got married 'fore her tears even dried. Dat bitch was in da sack damn fast. Hold up, I got to break for a sec.
	Enter Lil' Ho, Marco, and Nardo
Lil' Ho:	Whazzzup!
Hammy:	Whazzzup! Lil' Ho, right?
Lil' Ho:	Werd. I be yo' slave.
Hammy:	Naw dawg. I fix dat shit up. You, why you here from Wittenbizzerg, Lil' Ho? - Marco.
Marco:	Whazzzup!
Hammy:	Whazzzuup! [To Nardo] Whazzzup! Yo, what be you doin' here from Wittenbizzerg?
Lil' Ho:	'S a late setup, dawg.
Hammy:	Naw, don't be shittin' me, dawg. Yo, you ain't late. But why you here? We gonna get you a forty before you roll.
Lil' Ho:	Yo, dawg, I came to see yo' pops's funeral.
Hammy:	Don't be shittin' me, dawg. You came to see my moms get married.
Lil' Ho:	Werd, it did go down soon after.
Hammy:	Come on, Lil' Ho. All da food from da funeral waz cold on da weddin' table. Yo, I'd rather come against a rival crew den go thru dat shit Lil' Ho! My pops - Yo, I think I see my pops.
Lil' Ho:	Yo, where?
Hammy:	's all in my head.
Lil' Ho:	I peeped him once. He was da shiznit.
Hammy:	True dat. Too bad I ain't never gonna peep his mug again.
Lil' Ho:	To, dawg, I thinks I peeped him da other night.
Hammy:	Yo, who?
Lil' Ho:	Yo' pops, da King.
Hammy:	My pops? Da King??
Lil' Ho:	Slow yo' roll, dawg. jus' slow and peep dis shit.
Hammy:	For da love of God, drop yo' shit!
Lil' Ho:	Check it. Like Nardo and Marco have seen it twice. At da middle of da fuckin' night. Da bitch look jus' like yo' pops. Had da same gat and all. He jus' shows up, walks his ass around, but don't do shit. Dese two punk bitches be always scared and shit. So, dey tries to get me to talk to da bitch. So I went and found out dey wasn't bullshittin'. Dis be some wack shit.
Hammy:	Where, dawg?
Marco:	On da watch.
Hammy:	You say anythin' to da bitch?
Lil' Ho:	True dat, but da bitch didn't answer. Yo, once it looked like it was gonna drop it's shit, but den dat rooster pulled his cock-a-doodle shit and da bitch split.
Hammy:	Yo, dat's some wack shit.
Lil' Ho:	Werd, dawg. We figgered we better hit you wit' it.
Hammy:	True, true, dawgs. Hold up, tho. Y'all got da watch tonight?
All:	Werd!
Hammy:	Y'all gotchya 9's?
All:	We got our 9's!
Hammy:	True dat?
All:	True dat, dawg!
Hammy:	Yo, you peeped his mug?
Lil' Ho:	Werd, dawg, I peeped his mug.
Hammy:	How he look?
Lil' Ho:	Mo' sad den buggin'.
Hammy:	Ill or pissed?
Lil' Ho:	Pretty ill.
Hammy:	Yo, and he peeped you?
Lil' Ho:	True dat.
Hammy:	I heard dat.
Lil' Ho:	Werd.
Hammy:	Yo, yo, did it stick around?
Lil' Ho:	Werd, he hung for awhile.
Marco Nardo:	Naw, dawg, longer.
Lil' Ho:	Naw, dawgs.
Hammy:	Yo, was he wacked out?
Lil' Ho:	Naw, it was all good.
Hammy:	Yo, I'm comin' wit' y'all tonight. I wanna peep dis bitch.
Lil' Ho:	Aiight.
Hammy:	If dis bitch look like my pops, I gonna drop my shit on it, and y'all need to keep dis shit and da shit dat happens 'tween us, aiight. I peep y'all 'round midnight.
All:	True dat.
Hammy:	Werd to yo' motha. Respect!
		Exeunt [all but Hammy]
Hammy:	Yo, my pops be back. Some shit's goin' down. Man, if it were nighttime! Guess I jus' wait. Dey's gonna be some funky shit goes down tonight.
		Exit

Act I
Scene 3	Scene: P-Lo's Room
	Enter Latrell and Ophie
Latrell:	Glad dat shizzit's out of da wizzat. Peace out! Don't forget to drizzop me a nizzote, Ophie.
Ophie:	Yo, you think I forget dat shizz?
Latrell:	Aiight. As for Hizzamy, forget his shizzit. He don't lizzove you, he jus' wants to scizzore. Dat's izzall.
Ophie:	I heard dat, but so what?
Latrell:	Forget dat shizzit. Yo, as you gizzet older, dis life shizzit's gonna chizzange. Hizzammy might be Jizzonesin' now, and nizzothin' gonna make him chizzange his mizzind, but hizzol' up, becuz of his pizzosition in lizzife, he prolly ain't mizzakin' his own chizzoice. He got to dizzo what's best for his pizzeoples. Cuz' he be who he izzis., when he sizzays he's dizzown, you can't belie' dizzat. And think 'bout what would hizzappen if you lizzet him hit dat shizzit, everybody gonna think you's a skizzank. So watch out for dat shitnit, Ophie. You don't wizzanna be no baby's mizzomma now. I know you be gonna dizzo yo' own thizzing, but be cizzareful.
Ophie:	Yo, I hear dat shizz good. But yo, Latrell, dont be like some punk ass bitch and tell me what to do and go all hypocrit on me.
	Enter P-Lo
Latrell:	Ain't no thizzang. Yo, I betta bizzust on outta hizzere. Here comes my pizzops.
P-Lo:	Latrell, yo' bitch ass still here? Get da fuck outta here. You gonna wait too long. Yo, my props to you. Be good to all yo' peoples. Don't be startin' no shit. Give props to yo' homies. Don't borrow no shit, and don't be lendin' no shit neither. Mo' important, tho: be true to yo'self. Dis makes everythin' all good. Peace out! Respect!
Latrell:	Aiight, I be gonna bizzust on out.
P-Lo:	Aiight. Yo, everybody's waitin', you best get rollin'.
Latrell:	Pizzeace out, Ophie! Remember dat shizzit I done tizzold you.
Ophie:	True dat. Respect!
Latrell:	Respect.
		Exit Latrell
P-Lo:	Yo, what he tell you, Ophie?
Ophie:	Hammy's bein' a wack motha.
P-Lo:	Werd, I figgered. Somebody told me he be Jonesin' on you. He been all over you. If dis shit be for real, I gots to know, why? And don't bullshit me none.
Ophie:	True dat. He been creepin' pretty hard.
P-Lo:	Creepin'? Naw! Yo, you sound like a damn girl. You belie' dis shit he been tellin' you?
Ophie:	Shizz if I know, what am I 'sposed to belie'?
P-Lo:	Yo, peep dis shit. All dis shit he be givin' you ain't nuthin'. Don't be believin' his shit or else you gonna dis us all.
Ophie:	Yo, dawg, he ain't been nuthin' but good to me.
P-Lo:	Werd.
Ophie:	And he been all truthful and shizz.
P-Lo:	Yo, he's jus' tryin' to get in yo' pants, girl. I heard all dis shit before. jus' hold yo' stuff. You don't need to be no baby's momma now. And Hammy, he can do whatever shit he wants to. But don't belie' none of his shit. And I don't want to be hearin' no more 'bout you and Hammy bein together, aiight?
Ophie:	Repsect, dawg!
		Exeunt

 

Act I
Scene 4	Scene: The Guard Platform
	Enter Hammy, Lil' Ho, and Marco
Hammy:	Shit, dawgs, it's fuckin' cold.
Lil' Ho:	Yo, it be damn cold.
Hammy:	What time be it?
Lil' Ho:	Almos' midnight.
Marco:	Naw, it be midnight.
Lil' Ho:	Werd? I missed dat. Dat means it's almost time for dat bitch to show.
		A flourish of trumpets, and two pieces go off [within]
	Yo, dawg, what da shit was dat?
Hammy:	C-Dawg must be up doin' his bidness. Throwin' back a few forties. Dat's why dere's all da noise.
Lil' Ho:	Dat shit be normal?
Hammy:	Werd. 's a stupid thing to me. All dis shit makes da other hoods call us punk bitches. Dey all be dissin' us. Dis shit happens all da damn time. It's jus' da way da shit goes down for him. And dis shit makes everybody be down on him.
	Enter Ghizzost
Lil' Ho:	Hold up, dawg, dat bitch be comin'!
Hammy:	Holy shit! I don't know what da shit you are. Whether you be evil or good, I'll drop my shit wit' you. I'll call you Hammy. Big ups. Yo, drop yo' shit. Yo, why yo' bitch ass here? Yo' ass be dead, but you be here. Drop yo' shit. Whazzzup?
		[Ghizzost] beckons [Hammy]
Lil' Ho:	Yo, dawg, dat bitch wants you to go wit' it.
Marco:	Look at dat bitch bein' all nice. You better not go wit' it.
Hammy:	It ain't gonna drop it's shit. I'm goin' after dat bitch.
Lil' Ho:	Yo, dawg, don't do it.
Hammy:	Yo, why not? I mean, what da shit be dat bitch gonna do? Yo, dat bitch wants me. I'm goin'.
Lil' Ho:	Yo, what if da bitch wants to mess you up? I mean, dis place be scary as shit, so dat bitch might be up to sumfin'.
Hammy:	Dat bitch wants me - Werd, let's roll.
Marco:	Yo, you ain't goin' nowhere.
		[They try to stop him.]
Hammy:	Step of my dick, bitches!
Lil' Ho:	Naw, dawg, you ain't goin' nowhere.
Hammy:	Yo, I gots to: I gots to be strong. I gots to go. So step off me before I bust a cap in somebody's ass! - Let's roll.
		Exeunt Ghizzost and Hammy
Lil' Ho:	Yo, dat boy be on crack.
Marco:	We best follow his ass.
Lil' Ho:	Aiight, but I don't see no point.
Marco:	Yo, sumfin' be stank in Dizzenmark.
Lil' Ho:	True dat.
Marco:	Let's roll.
		Exeunt

 

Act I
Scene 5	Scene: The Battlements of the Castle
	Enter Ghizzost and Hammy
Hammy:	Yo, where we goin'? Drop yo' shit, cuz I ain't movin'.
Ghizzost:	Peep dis.
Hammy:	Aiight.
Ghizzost:	In a while, I gots to get back to Hell.
Hammy:	Dat's some wack shit.
Ghizzost:	None of dat weepy shit, now. Jus' peep dis.
Hammy:	Drop yo' shit. I'm listenin'.
Ghizzost:	And when you hear my shit, you gonna wanna smoke some bitches.
Hammy:	Werd?
Ghizzost:	I am yo' pops's ghost. At night, I gots to walk my ass around and in da day, I be in Hell, doin' my shit till it's all good. Yo, but I ain't 'sposed to tell you none of dat shit. Dat shit would fuck yo' ass up good. You'd shit yo' pants, dawg. So I ain't gonna say nuthin'. Now, if you down wit' yo' pops-
Hammy:	Werd!
Ghizzost:	You gotta smoke dem dat done his murder.
Hammy:	Murder?
Ghizzost:	Werd. Some really fucked up murder.
Hammy:	Yo, drop yo' shit so's I can cap dem bitches.
Ghizzost:	Aiight. You would have to be a punk bitch not to wanna cap dem bitches. Peep dis, Hammy. Da story goes dat I got bit by a damn snake in my crib, but dis be a bunch'a bullshit. Yo, dawg, you gots to know, C-Dawg was da bitch dat capped me.
Hammy:	Shit! C-Dawg?
Ghizzost:	True dat. Dat punk bitch finally got my ho. Yo, he ain't shit compared to me. Dat ho went from da big dawg to a punk bitch not even worthy of lickin' my sac. He jus' wanted to tap dat ass anyway. And I guess she had to have it. Hold up, tho. I think mornin' be comin'. So I got to hurry dis shit up. Aiight, so I was nappin' in my crib and da punk bitch came in wit' some poison shit, and dumped it in my ear. Dis was some strong shit, it fucked wit' my blood and made me all scabby. So dat's how da shit went down. C-Dawg snatched all my shit, plus, I didn't make my piece, so I got all my shit on my soul. Dis shit be wack! But when you go to cap my killa, don't cap yo' momma. Peace out. Yo, da sun's comin' up, so I gots to roll. Peace out! Don't forget me.
		[Exit]
Hammy:	Aww, shit. Shit, shit, damn! I gots to be strong. Yo, Ghizzost, while I be alive, I ain't gonna forget you. Forget you? Naw, I'd forget all my otha shit before I forget you. C-Dawg, you punk ass bitch. Punk ass bitch! I best write dis shit down so I don't forget.
		[Writing]
	Aiight, dere dat shit be. Now I swear I'll do my shit. Belie' dat.
	Enter Lil' Ho and Marco
Lil' Ho:	Yo, dawg! Whazzzup!
Marco:	Whazzzup!
Lil' Ho:	Yo, you aiight?
Hammy:	Werd.
Marco:	Whazzza-whazzza-whazzzup!
Hammy:	Whazzza-whazzza-whazzzup, Marco.
Marco:	How's it hangin, dawg?
Lil' Ho:	What you find out?
Hammy:	Some sweet shit.
Lil' Ho:	Yo, drop yo' shit.
Hammy:	Naw, dawg, you gonna blab.
Lil' Ho:	Naw, dawg.
Marco:	Yo, me neither.
Hammy:	Y'all ain't gonna belie' dis. You gonna keep it secret, aiight.
Lil' Ho, Marco:	True dat.
Hammy:	Dere be some messed up shit goin' down in Dizzenmark.
Lil' Ho:	Yo, we don't need no spook to tell us dat shit.
Hammy:	True dat. But I ain't gonna tell you nuthin' else. You can go and do yo' shit, I'm gonna go pray.
Lil' Ho:	Yo, you ain't makin' no sense, dawg.
Hammy:	Sorry dat mess you up. Belie' dat.
Lil' Ho:	Ain't no thang, dawg.
Hammy:	Naw, dawg, it be. I know you was jus' wantin' to know. So peep dis: da ghost was tight. Aiight, I got one last thing I need y'all to do.
Lil' Ho:	Werd?
Hammy:	Y'all can't tell nobody da shit you seen here.
Lil' Ho, Marco:	Naw, dawg, we ain't gonna tell.
Hammy:	Naw, dawgs, swear.
Lil' Ho:	Belie' dat.
Marco:	Belie' dat.
Hammy:	Swear on my 9.
Marco:	Yo, we done swore.
Lil' Ho:	Aiight, on yo' 9.
Ghizzost:	(Cries under the stage) Belie' dat.
Hammy:	Yo, y'all hear dat. Y'all ain't gonna be no punk asses, aiight?
Lil' Ho:	What we swearin'?
Hammy:	Dat you ain't gonna tell nobody da shit you seen.
Ghizzost:	[Beneath] Belie' dat.
		[They swear]
Hammy	Hold up.
		[He moves to another spot.]
	Aiight, get up on my 9. Swear y'all ain't gonna tell nobody da shit you heard.
Ghizzost:	[Beneath] On his 9.
		[They swear]
Hammy:	Hold up, we gots to move again.
		[He moves again.]
Lil' Ho:	Yo' dis be some wack shit.
Hammy:	True dat, Lil' Ho. But peep dis. No matter what I do, or what I says, or how I be actin', y'all don't play me like a sucka. Y'all got to swear dis.
Ghizzost:	[Beneath] Belie' dat.
		[They swear]
Hammy:	Aiight, slow yo' roll, Ghizzost. Big up to y'all, dawgs. Let's roll on outta here and see what we can do to make dis shit all good.
		[They wait for him to leave first.]
	Naw, dawgs, let's roll togetha.
		Exeunt

 

Act II
Scene 1	Scene: P-Lo's Room
	Enter P-Lo with his man [Rey-Rey]
P-Lo:	Yo, give da man dis shizzit, Rey-Rey.
		[He gives money and papers.]
Rey-Rey:	True dat, dawg.
P-Lo:	Yo, it's prolly a good idea, Rey-Rey, to ask 'bout da boy's frontin'.
Rey-Rey:	True dat.
P-Lo:	Aiight, aiight. Peep dis: Yo, first you better ask who dem Danish bitches be dat's in Pizzaris, how dem bitches got dere, where dem bitches live, and all dat other shit. We gettin' close to da point. Now you can tell peoples "I knowed his pops, so I knowed him." Aiight, Rey-Rey?
Rey-Rey:	True dat, true dat.
P-Lo:	So you can say "I knowed him, but we wasn't tight." But don't be dissin' my boy. Don't be no punk ass, like you young dawgs do.
Rey-Rey:	Jus' like when we shootin' craps.
P-Lo:	Werd, or throwin' back forties, ballin', throwin' down, pimpin'-all dat shit.
Rey-Rey:	Naw, dawg, I ain't gonna dis him.
P-Lo:	I belie' you, dawg. I don't mean dis him. Yo, don't be like "He's a horny mofo," but say dat he's jus' bein' a kid so it don't look so bad.
Rey-Rey:	Hold up, dawg-
P-Lo:	Why should you do dat shit?
Rey-Rey:	Werd.
P-Lo:	Aiight, peep dis. While you sayin' all dis shit, watch for one of his boys to listen to yo' shit. You'll know he's one of his boys when he starts droppin' his shit.
Rey-Rey:	Aiight, dawg.
P-Lo:	Yo, den...den...yo, where was I? Damn, dawg, I had sumfin' tight to say. Where I stop?
Rey-Rey:	At "...when he starts droppin' his shit."
P-Lo:	Werd. Aiight, he says "I know dat dawg, we be tight," or whatever, "and back in da day it was all good," "My boy was wasted," "my boy was throwin' down," or maybe, "he was lookin' for some ho's," scoutin' da corner, or some shit. So you see, dis bullshittin' gets you da truth. Dis be how you find my boy. You down wi'dat?
Rey-Rey:	True dat, dawg.
P-Lo:	Peace out!
Rey-Rey:	Respect.
P-Lo:	Check yo'self.
Rey-Rey:	Werd.
P-Lo:	Aiight?
Rey-Rey:	Aiight.
P-Lo:	Respect.
		Exit Rey-Rey
	Enter Ophie
	Ophie! Whazzzup!
Ophie:	Yo, dawg, sumfin' got me down.
P-Lo:	Werd?
Ophie:	Yo, dawg, I was in my crib when Hammy come in lookin' all messed up like he been throwin' down or like he was comin' straight outta Hell. His clothes was messed up and he looked like shizz.
P-Lo:	Wantin' to tap dat ass?
Ophie:	Yo, I don't know, but I think so.
P-Lo:	What he say?
Ophie:	He grabbed me hard and was jus' like starin' at me. Den he shook me, nodded a few times, den he sighed. When all dat was done, he stared at me while leavin', but didn't hit nuthin' on his way out.
P-Lo:	Yo, follow me. We gonna drop dis on C-Dawg. Hammy be crazy wack wit' da Jonesin' on you. Sorry. Yo, have you been crackin' on him?
Ophie:	Naw, dawg, I did like you said and didn't give him none.
P-Lo:	Dat's what made his ass snap. I shoulda seen dis shit comin'. I jus' thought he wanted some 'tang. Dammit. Dis be some wack ass shit. We gots to tell C-Dawg so it all be good. Let's roll.
		Exeunt

 

Act II
Scene 2	Scene: The Castle
	Flourish. Enter C-Dawg and Trudy, Ro-Ro and Gilly [with others].
C-Dawg:	Whazzzup! Ro-Ro! Gilly! Yo, we aint't seen you since back in da day. But dat ain't why you be here. Y'all heard 'bout Hammy's buggin' since his pops got capped. We need y'all dawgs to stay in our hood for a bit and hang wit' him and maybe find some shit out 'bout why he's bein' wack.
Trudy:	Yo, he talk 'bout y'all non-stop, dawgs. Y'all be super tight. If y'all hang around, we'll pay y'all back real sweet.
Ro-Ro:	Yo, y'all could jus' order us to do dis shit 'stead a' askin'.
Gilly:	Werd, we gonna do it best we can.
C-Dawg:	Respect, Ro-Ro and Gilly.
Trudy:	Respect, Ro-Ro and Gilly. Now, y'all go and check Hammy out. Yo, some of y'all take dem to Hammy.
Gilly:	Heaven help it be all good.
Trudy:	Werd!
		Exeunt Ro-Ro and Gilly [with some attendants]
	Enter P-Lo
P-Lo:	Yo' boys from Nizzorway be back.
C-Dawg:	Sweet. You da man.
P-Lo:	Werd? Yo, I jus' doin' my job and I thinkin' I figgered out why Hammy be trippin'.
C-Dawg:	Werd?
P-Lo:	Werd, but first let yo' boys drop dey's shit.
C-Dawg:	Go get 'em, P-Lo.
		[Exit P-Lo]
	Yo, Trudy, he says he figgered out why Hammy be trippin'.
Trudy:	I still say it's cuz his pops got capped and we got hitched so fast.
	Enter Ambassadors [Vomit and Corny, with P-Lo]
C-Dawg:	We see - My dawgs! Yo, Vomit, what be da word from Nizzorway?
Vomit:	Respect and big ups to ya, When we got dere, Tony's uncle was all 'bout stoppin' taxes, cuz he thought Tony was 'gainst da Bloods , but turns out he was 'gainst you. So he made Tony quit dat shit. Tony says "Coo'" and his uncle gives him a shitloat of Benjies to fight da Bloods, den he gives us dis,
		[Giving a paper]
	Wantin' you to let Tony go through here.
C-Dawg:	Aiight, we gonna check dis shit out later. Big up to y'all for doin' yo' shit. Respect!
		Exeunt Ambassadors
P-Lo:	Tight. I'm gonna be quick 'bout dis. Yo' boy Hammy be fucked in da head, simple as dat.
Trudy:	Get to da point.
P-Lo:	I'm gettin' to it, yo. He's wack, dat's true. It's true dat's fucked up, and it's fucked up dat dat's true - fuck dat shit. Hammy be buggin' and we wanna know why, why it be he be bugin'. Dere be some cause, so it be and it be so. Check it. I gots a daughter - while she be mine - who gave me dis. Peep dis. [He reads the letter] "To da phattest and da sweetest of all, my most scrumptilicious Ophie,"- Dat's some wack shit, "scrumptilicious." But check it [He reads] "In her honey white breast, dese, etc."
Trudy:	Hammy did dis?
P-Lo:	Yo, slow your roll [He reads] Belie' da stars is made of fire,    Belie' da sun shines above, Belie' dat truth ain't no liar,    Belie' dat you, I love. Sweet Ophie, I suck at dis. I ain't gots da skill to tell you how I feel. But dat I love you da best, Ophie, belie' dat. Peace.       Yo' dawg foreva, Hammy." My daughter gave me dis, and tol' me some other shit too.
C-Dawg:	What she do 'bout Hammy's Jonesin'?
P-Lo:	What you think of me?
C-Dawg:	You be aiight.
P-Lo:	Aiight, but check dis. I seen Hammy Jonesin' before Ophie tol' me. So I tol' her "Hammy be out of yo' league. Y'all cain't be doin' dis." So I tol' her to ignore his ass from now on. So she did dat, got all sad, went all depressed, stayed up all night, got all weak, fainted, and Hammy saw all dis and started dis buggin'.
C-Dawg:	[To Trudy] You think dat's it?
Trudy:	Maybe.
P-Lo:	Yo, have I ever been wrong before?
C-Dawg:	Naw, dawg.
P-Lo:	Yo, if I be wrong, take my shit.
C-Dawg:	How we test dis?
P-Lo:	Yo, you know how sometimes Hammy come out here and dick around for like four hours?
Trudy:	Werd.
P-Lo:	Aiight, I'll leave my daughter here, and you and me can hide behind a curtain and watch as da shit goes down.
C-Dawg:	Aiight, let's do it.
	Enter Hammy [Playing a Game Boy]
Trudy:	Yo, here he comes wit' his Game Boy.
P-Lo:	Get outta here. Let me handle dis. Git!
		Exeunt C-Dawg and Trudy [with attendants]
Hammy:	Whoa, shit!
P-Lo:	You know me?
Hammy:	You's a punk.
P-Lo:	Naw, dawg.
Hammy:	Den you be a pimp.
P-Lo:	A pimp?
Hammy:	Werd, aint too many true pimps.
P-Lo:	Werd, dawg.
Hammy:	Yo, you got a daughter?
P-Lo:	True dat.
Hammy:	Best keep her away 'fore she gets knocked up.
P-Lo:	[Aside] What he talkin' bout? Still Jonesin' on Ophie. He didn't know me, callin' me a punk. He be buggin'. I was messed up when I was young, but damn. Aiight, I'll try again - Yo, what you playin'?
Hammy:	Some damn game.
P-Lo:	What's dat 'bout?
Hammy:	What's what 'bout?
P-Lo:	I mean what's da game 'bout, dawg?
Hammy:	Jus' some crazy shit. Shootin' and throwin shit at da bad guys. It's all good, but I don't need to be tellin' you bout all dat shit.
P-Lo:	[Aside] He be wack, but dere be a reason - Yo, you wanna come inside?
Hammy:	Only into my grave.
P-Lo:	Werd, dat's inside [Aside] He's full of shit. I better go and set up my daughters meetin' wit' him - Yo, I gots to go.
Hammy:	Aiight, fuck off.
	Enter Gilly and Ro-Ro
P-Lo:	Respect!
Hammy:	Old people be so full of shit.
P-Lo:	You lookin' for Hammy, he over dere.
Ro-Ro:	[To P-Lo] Peace!
		[Exit P-Lo]
Gilly:	Hammy!
Ro-Ro:	Dawg!
Hammy:	Ro-Ro! Gilly! WHAZZZUP!!!
Ro-Ro:	Not a damn thing.
Gilly:	But dat's coo' cuz we ain't too happy.
Hammy:	Or too unhappy?
Ro-Ro:	True dat.
Hammy:	So you like in da middle of Fortune.
Gilly:	Werd, we like in Fortune's 'tang.
Hammy:	Werd? She can be a ho. So whazzzup?
Ro-Ro:	Nothin' dawg, everythin's all good.
Hammy:	Den da world's gonna end. Maybe I askin' da wrong question. Why y'all come to dis shit-hole?
Gilly:	Shit-hole?
Hammy:	Dizzenmark be a shit-hole.
Ro-Ro:	Den da world be a shit-hole.
Hammy:	True dat. And Dizzenmark's da worst shit-hole.
Ro-Ro:	We don't think so, dawg.
Hammy:	Y'all don't know shit. It's a fuckin' shit-hole to me.
Ro-Ro:	Yo, you jus' too ambitious for little Dizzenmark.
Hammy:	Yo, dat wouldn't be no problem if it weren't for my damn bad dreams.
Gilly:	Dreams be ambition, cuz ambition be jus' dreams.
Hammy:	Dreams be only shadows.
Ro-Ro:	True dat, and ambition ain't nuthin' but a shadow's shadow.
Hammy:	Dis be some wack shit. I cain't think right.
Ro-Ro Gilly:	Yo, we wait.
Hammy:	Naw, ain't no thang. So what y'all doin' here anyway?
Ro-Ro:	We came to hang wit' you.
Hammy:	Coo'. Did someone ask y'all to come or did y'all come on your own or what? Come on, drop it!
Gilly:	What you want us to say, dawg?
Hammy:	Anythin'. I can see y'all was sent for by C-Dawg and Trudy.
Ro-Ro:	Why, dawg?
Hammy:	Probably to teach me, but you gots to tell me if you were sent for or not.
Ro-Ro:	[Aside to Gilly] What you say?
Hammy:	[Aside] I'll keep my eye on you bitches - If we be tight, tell me.
Gilly:	True dat, dawg.
Hammy:	I'll tell you why, but not all why. Lately I been feelin' down. I get no kicks from neither G's or bitches. Yo, why you smilin'?
Ro-Ro:	Yo, I didn't smile.
Hammy:	You did, dawg. I saw you laugh when I said I get no kicks from G's.
Ro-Ro:	If you don't get no kicks from G's, den dem actors ain't got no reason to be here. We saw dem on da way over.
Hammy:	Actors be all good. Who are dey?
Ro-Ro:	Yo, dey some tragic actors from da city.
Hammy:	Why dey here? Da city be much sweeter.
Ro-Ro:	Cuz actin' in da city be illegal now.
Hammy:	Dey got da same people as when I last saw 'em?
Ro-Ro:	Naw, dawg.
Hammy:	Whyzat?
Ro-Ro:	Yo, dey scared of gettin' knifed by some punk ass child actors.
Hammy:	Yo, what da shit's up wi'dat?
Ro-Ro:	Hold up, dawg. It's all good. Dey jus' been some frontin'.
Hammy:	True dat?
Gilly:	Werd.
Hammy:	Did da boys beat 'em down?
Ro-Ro:	True dat, true dat. All dem bitches.
Hammy:	Ain't no thang. People dat made faces at my uncle C-Dawg who's da King now spend lots of cash flow on little pictures of him.
	A flourish [of trumpets within]
Gilly:	Yo, dat be dem.
Hammy:	Big ups, dawgs. Let's go check it out. Cuz I got my parents fooled good.
Gilly:	Yo, what you mean?
Hammy:	I ain't buggin' all da time. Jus' sometimes.
	Enter P-Lo
P-Lo:	Werd up, dawgs.
Hammy:	Gilly, Ro-Ro, look at dat big baby.
Ro-Ro:	Maybe he's a child again, like they say old people be.
Hammy:	I bet he's gonna tell me 'bout dem actor bitches, jus' check it - Yo, whazzzup!
P-Lo:	I gots news, dawg.
Hammy:	I gots news, dawg.
P-Lo:	Yo, da actors be here.
Hammy:	No shit.
P-Lo:	What da-
Hammy:	Den dem actors came on his ass
P-Lo:	Yo, dey is da best of da best of da best. Dere ain't no better actors anywhere.
Hammy:	Jephee had a sweet treasure.
P-Lo:	What treasure be dat?
Hammy:	"One fair daughter, and no more The which he lovèd passing well."
P-Lo:	[Aside] Still on my daughter.
Hammy:	True dat, Jephee?
P-Lo:	You call me Jephee. I gots a daughter. True.
Hammy:	Naw, dat ain't how it goes.
P-Lo:	How it go?
Hammy:	"As by lot, God wot" Werd "It came to pass, as most like it was"- I'll sing more lata, but check dis out.
	Enter the Players
	WHAZZZUP! How y'all been? Y'all still lookin' good. Yo, how 'bout a speech?
F.P.:	Like what, dawg?
Hammy:	I remember readin' dis sweet play. It was 'bout Aeneas tellin' Dido 'bout Priam's slaughter. I think it went somethin' like: "The rugged Pyrrhus, like th' Hyrcanian beast"- Hold up, dat ain't right. "The rugged Pyrrhus, he whose sable arms,"
	[[[TO READ THE REST OF THIS CRAP, READ THE REAL BOOK, 2.2.452 - 2.2.464]]]
	Aiight, take it.
P-Lo:	Yo, dat was tight!
F.P.	"Anon he finds him"
	[[[TO READ THE REST OF THIS CRAP, READ THE REAL BOOK, 2.2.468 - 2.2.497]]]
P-Lo:	Yo' dis is takin' too long.
Hammy:	Shut up, punk ass - Keep goin'.
F.P.	"But who, ah wor! had seen the moblèd queen"-
Hammy:	"The moblèd queen"?
P-Lo:	Dat's tight! Tight!
F.P.	"Run barefoot up and down, threat'ning the flames..."
	[[[TO READ THE REST OF THIS CRAP, READ THE REAL BOOK, 2.2.505 - 2.2.518]]]
P-Lo:	Look at dat, he got all emotional. Come on, no more, dawg.
Hammy:	Aiight, dat's coo'. Later - Take care of dese actors, aiight?
P-Lo:	True, dawg.
Hammy:	Coo'.
P-Lo:	Aiight, let's roll.
Hammy:	Respect! [As they start to leave, Hammy detains F.P.] You know "Da Murder of Gonzo"?
F.P.:	True.
Hammy:	Aiight, tomorrow y'all do dat. Could you say some shit I write for you too?
F.P.:	True.
Hammy:	Sweet. (Exeunt P-Lo and Players.) Peace out!
Ro-Ro:	Respect!
		Exeunt [Ro-Ro and Gilly]
Hammy:	Respect - Now I be alone. Damn, I am a punk. Dis shit be really startin' to get on my nerves. And dis actor gettin' all upset over a damn play. What's it to him? What's he care more den me? He does all dis jus' for a play. But me, when it comes to C-Dawg, I cain't do shit. Am I a punk ass? I am a punk ass! It's dat bastard C-Dawgs fault! Dat son of a bitch! Vengeance! It's still fucked up I got to do dis wit' words Damn I am a punk ass! I've heard da guilty cain't bear to see da crime Dat's what I'll do. I'll have dem actors play out my pops's murder. Den I'll watch C-Dawg and see what shit he does. It'll be all good. Dis play be da shit dat'll catch C-Dawg good.
		Exit

 

Act III
Scene 1	Scene: The Castle
	Enter C-Dawg, Trudy, P-Lo, Ophie, Ro-Ro, Gilly, lords
C-Dawg:	Yo, and you still cain't get Hammy to tell y'all why he buggin'?
Ro-Ro:	He says he feelin' shitfaced, but he don't say why.
Gilly:	And he ain't bein' no help neither, always jerkin' us around and shit.
Trudy:	Wuz he coo' wit' y'all?
Ro-Ro:	True dat.
Gilly:	But he was bein' a punk ass 'bout it.
Ro-Ro:	True dat, but he did answer some questions.
Trudy:	Did y'all try and get him to do some shizz wit' y'all?
Ro-Ro:	Yo, we met some actor bitches, and he got all excited when we told him. I think dey be playin' some shit tonight.
P-Lo:	True day. He wants y'all, C-Dawg and Trudy, to see it.
C-Dawg:	Tight. Dawgs, keep on him good.
Ro-Ro:	Respect!
		Exeunt Ro-Ro and Gilly
C-Dawg:	Aiight, we got dis set up so's Hammy can meet Ophie an' we can watch. Dat way we can decide if P-Lo be full of shit.
Trudy:	Aiight, I hope he jus' Jonesin' over Ophie. And you can make him better.
Ophie:	True. True.
		[Exit Trudy]
P-Lo:	Aiight, Ophie, do yo' shit here - Coo'. Coo'. [To Ophie] Read dis.
		[Giving her a book]
	So you look lonley when Hammy shows up. It's usually our fault you lonely, so it be all good.
C-Dawg:	[Aside] True dat. Yo, he got too close to da truth dat time. And wit' what I did, dat shit cuts deep. Punk ass shit!
P-Lo:	Yo, he comin', let's roll dawg.
		[C-Dawg and P-Lo withdraw]
	Enter Hammy [Ophie pretends to read a book]
Hammy:	To be or not to be. Yo, dat be da question Is it better to put up wit' all dis shit, Or jus' cap yo'self an' get it over wit', Yo, to cap yo'self- Naw-even tho' cappin' yo'self Ends all da dumb shit in life And dat's all good Yo, if you cap yo'self You gots to deal wit' da shit after death Dat be some fucked up shit Cuz who knows what shit be dere Dats what makes livin' shit Cuz who would go through life If it weren't for da unknown shit Da afterlife dat fucks us all up And makes us keep to our own shit And not help other fools So life makes us all bitches- Yo, hold up. Dere be Ophie. Tight.
Ophie:	Whazzzup, dawg?
Hammy:	Werd up.
Ophie:	Yo, dawg, I gots some shizz you gave me dat I gots to give back
		[She offers tokens]
Hammy:	Yo, I ain't gave you shit.
Ophie:	Naw, dawg, you did wit' a happy poem. Now take it all back.
		[She gives tokens]
Hammy:	Yo, you be shittin' me?
Ophie:	Huh?
Hammy:	Are you phat?
Ophie:	What you mean?
Hammy:	If you ain't shittin' me and you is phat, dey don't normally go together.
Ophie:	Ain't it more tight, bein' phat and not shizzin' you?
Hammy:	True dat. True dat. You know, I was down wit' you once.
Ophie:	True.
Hammy:	But you shouldn't have belie'd me, cuz I was jus' fuckin' wit' you.
Ophie:	True.
Hammy:	Get to yo' momma. Why you wanna be some baby's momma? I don't give a shit, but I am a real punk ass. I done all sorts of wack shit. But dat's me bein' a punk ass. Go home to yo moms. Yo, where yo' pops at?
Ophie:	At home, dawg.
Hammy:	Fuck him.
Ophie:	Naw, dawg.
Hammy:	Yo, if you do get married, I hope you never have no kids. Jus' get to yo' momma.
Ophie:	Heaven help him.
Hammy:	I know 'bout you bein' a bitch too, doin' all yo' shit. But I tired of dis. Fuck off. It's pissin' me off. Get to yo' momma. Go!
		Exit
Ophie:	Damn, he's funked up. He's really funked up. And I had to be da one to see it. Dis is some wack shizz.
	Enter C-Dawg and P-Lo.
C-Dawg:	Love? Yo, it don't look dat way. I don't know what's buggin' his ass, but I think I gots an idea. So I gonna send his ass to Izzengland so he can get his shit together.
P-Lo:	Tight. - Cool out, Ophie. - Sounds like a good plan, dawg. But first let his momma Trudy talk to him. I'll hide and watch. Den you can send him wherever da fuck you want.
C-Dawg:	Aiight. But we better keep our eyes on his ass.
		Exeunt.

 

Act III
Scene 2	Scene: The Castle
	Enter Hammy and 3 of the Players
Hammy:	Say all dat shit I tol' you to say. Don't fuck it up.
F.P.	Aiight.
Hammy:	And don't be a pussy 'bout it. Jus' play it coo'.
F.P.	I hope we can.
Hammy:	Aiight, jus' make sure it's all good. Go get yo' shit ready.
		[Exeunt Players]
	Enter P-Lo, Gilly, and Ro-Ro.
	So what he say? C-Dawg gonna see dis?
P-Lo:	True dat. And Trudy too.
Hammy:	Aiight, tell dem bitches to hurry up.
		[Exit P-Lo]
	Y'all go help.
Ro-Ro:	Respect.
		Exeunt they two.
Hammy:	Yo, Lil' Ho!
	Enter Lil' Ho.
Lil' Ho:	Whazzzup, dawg.
Hammy:	You jus' da dawg I been lookin' for.
Lil' Ho:	Yo-
Hammy:	Now jus' hol' up. Don't be gettin' all worked up. I gots dis play set up so dis one part is jus' like what happened to my pops. Now, when dis scene comes up, watch C-Dawg close. If nothin' happens, dat bitch Ghizzost lied to us. Jus' watch him.
Lil' Ho:	Aiight, dawg. I'll watch his ass good.
	[Flourish.] Enter trumpets and kettledrums, C-Dawg, Trudy, P-Lo, Ophie, [Ro-Ro, Gilly, & other lords with guards carrying torches].
Hammy:	Dey here. I gots to go do my thang.
		[C-Dawg, Trudy, and courtiers sit.]
C-Dawg:	Whazzzup, Hammy!
Hammy:	Yo, it's all good.
C-Dawg:	Werd.
Hammy:	Werd. [To P-Lo] Yo, weren't you an actor back in da day?
P-Lo:	True dat. I was da bomb.
Hammy:	What you play?
P-Lo:	I played Julius C. I got popped by Brutus.
Hammy:	Werd. - Yo, dem bitches ready?
Ro-Ro:	True dat.
Trudy:	Hammy, sit yo' ass down over here.
Hammy:	Naw, moms, dis be a sweeter spot.
P-Lo:	[To C-Dawg] You catch dat shit?
Hammy:	Can I get in yo' lap? [Lying down at Ophie's feet]
Ophie:	No way!
Hammy:	I mean put my head in yo' lap?
Ophie:	Aiight.
Hammy:	You think I was talkin' 'tang?
Ophie:	I ain't thinkin' nuthin'.
Hammy:	Between a ho's legs. I heard dat.
Ophie:	What, dawg?
Hammy:	Nuthin'.
Ophie:	You is crazy.
Hammy:	Who, me?
Ophie:	Werd.
Hammy:	What else should I be? Loot at my moms. All happy and my pops ain't been dead but like 2 hours.
Ophie:	Naw, daw. 's more like 4 months.
Hammy:	Werd? Well, den, it's all good, ain't it.
	The trumpets sound. Dumb show follows. Enter a King and Queen [very lovingly], the Queen embracing him, and he her. [She kneels, and makes show of protestation unto him.] He takes her up, and declines his head upon her neck. He lies him down upon a bank of flowers. She, seeing him asleep, leaves him. Anon comes in another man, takes off his crown, kisses it, pours poison in the sleeper's ears, and leaves him. The Queen returns, finds the King dead, makes passionate action. The Poisoner with some three or four come in again, seem to condole with her. The dead body is carried away. The Poisoner woos the Queen with gifts; she seems harsh awhile, but in the end accepts love.
		[Exeunt players.]
Ophie:	Yo, what is dis shit?
Hammy:	It's some crazy stuff, ain't it.
Ophie:	Probably sumthin' important.
	Enter Loggie.
Hammy:	Yo, dis boy'll tell us all da shit we need to know.
Ophie:	Will he tell us what dat shit meant?
Hammy:	Werd. He'll tell you 'bout anything you show him.
Ophie:	You is crazy. I jus' watch da show.
Loggie:	Yo, let's turn dis motha out.
		[Exit.]
Hammy:	Dis an intro or a sneeze.
Ophie:	Yo, dat was short.
Hammy:	As a ho's lovin'.
	Enter [two players as] P.K. and P.Q.
P.K.:	It's been 30 years since we got hitched and after all dis time, you still my bitch.
P.Q.:	You still da bomb after 30 years But I gots to tell you, I gots some fears I don't think you well, I be thinkin' you sick But I ain't gonna get up on yo' dick I love you dawg, but I be fearin' too. Dis love shit make us both play da foo'.
P.K.:	Yo, baby, I gots to split I gots to go and die and shit But you gonna live longer den me Still lovèd and honored, jus' wait and see But you'll get another-
P.Q.:	Naw, forget dat shizz You'll be my dawg like you always is I ain't gonna have no second nigga 'Less he da bitch dat pulled da trigga
Hammy:	Crazy
P.Q.:	Da reason a ho get married twice Ain't for da life, dat bitch want da ice It'll kill my dawg a second time To get a new G, dat's a true crime
P.K.:	I know you true wit' what you sayin' right now But dat don't mean shit, won't mean shit anyhow You may mean good, but you forget dat shit When you blaze up a fattie and take a hit Grief and joy, dey's all in da mix Dem's two of life's favorite tricks Dis world ain't foreva and it's pretty fuckin' strange But dat don't mean our love gonna change We don't know whetha love beats out fate Or whetha fate is da one dat playa hates All I know is mo' money, mo' problems When you got da ice, yo' foes is yo' friends You gots all da dawgs when you blingin' and frontin' But dem poor punk bitches, yo, dey ain't gots nuthin' Back to da point cuz I gettin' kinda weak What you think and what you do ain't always what you speak So you think you ain't gonna get no otha G Be thinkin' yo' sweet love gonna die with me
P.Q.:	I won't take no food, I won't take no light I won't even sleep in da middle of da night I'll never break dis promise cuz I know dat is a sin Once I is a widow, I never wed again.
Hammy:	True dat.
P.K.:	True dat, my ho, now let me get my sleep I is feelin' really tired and dis shit is super weak So now I goes to sleep
P.Q.:	Yo, sleep you all night long Cuz you know I yo' ho and I'll never do you wrong.
		[He sleeps] Exit [P.Q.].
Hammy:	How you like dis shit, Trudy?
Trudy:	Yo, dat ho bitches too much, I think.
Hammy:	True dat, but she do what she says.
C-Dawg:	You know what dis 'bout? It don't confront you none?
Hammy:	Naw, dawg, dey jus' frontin'. It's all good.
C-Dawg:	Yo, what you call dis shit?
Hammy:	Da Mousetrap. You like dat? Dis is all 'bout dis murder in Vizzenna. My boy's name be Gonzo, and his ho, Baps. Jus' check it, aiight. Dis be some wack shit, but chill. Us unguilty people don't be buggin.
	Enter Luke
	Yo, it's Luke, Gonzo's nephew.
Ophie:	You jus' like a chorus.
Hammy:	I could talk 'bout a puppet show wit' you gettin' it on.
Ophie:	You is a horny punk, real horny.
Hammy:	You'd be doin' lots of moanin' if I was gonna bust a nut.
Ophie:	Dirty monkey.
Hammy:	Yo. - Aiight, let's get dis shit goin'.
Luke:	Dis shizz is strong and does its work All made up special to pop dis jerk. Wit' da blessin' of Hecate, da witch, Do yo' shit and smoke dis bitch.
		[He pours the poison into the sleeper's ear.]
Hammy:	Da poison goes in. He gets all his shit. Gonzo. Dis play is tight. Jus' hol' up and you'll see Luke get Gonzo's ho.
		[C-Dawg rises.]
Ophie:	C-Dwag is up.
Hammy:	What, scared at nuthin'?
Trudy:	Yo, whazzzup?
P-Lo:	Hol' up da play.
C-Dawg:	Yo, turn on da lights!
P-Lo:	Da lights! Now, dammit!
		Exeunt all but Hammy and Lil' Ho.
Hammy:	"Why, let the strucken deer go weep,    The hart ungallèd play. For some must watch, while some must sleep;    Thus runs the world away. Yo, Lil' Ho, you think dat could get me into a playin' company?
Lil' Ho:	Maybe.
Hammy:	For thou dost know, O Damon dear,    This realm dismantled was Of Jove himself, and now reigns here    A very, very--pajock."
Lil' Ho:	Yo, dat don't rhyme.
Hammy:	Lil' Ho, dat bitch was true. You see what went down?
Lil' Ho:	True dat.
Hammy:	When dey did da poison thang.
Lil' Ho:	True.
	Enter Ro-Ro and Gilly.
Hammy:	Aiight! Music! "Yo, if da king don't like dis shit, Den, by God, why da fuck don't he like it?" Music, dammit!
Gilly:	Hammy, I gots to talk to you.
Hammy:	Ha!
Gilly:	Da King -
Hammy:	What 'bout him?
Gilly:	He's fucked up.
Hammy:	Drunk off his ass?
Gilly:	Naw, he's pissed.
Hammy:	Yo, why you tellin' me? I'll jus' piss him off more. Maybe you should tell a doctor, dumbass.
Gilly:	Calm down, Hammy, and check it.
Hammy:	I'm coo'.
Gilly:	Trudy sent me to get you.
Hammy:	Aiight.
Gilly:	You bein' a punk bitch. Stop jerkin' me 'round, aiight, or I'll jus' say "Fuck it."
Hammy:	I can't.
Ro-Ro:	What, dawg?
Hammy:	Stop jerkin' you 'round. I be fucked in da head. But if you want me to say sumfin' to my moms, den-
Ro-Ro:	She says your actin' has blown her mind.
Hammy:	Tight. What else she say?
Ro-Ro:	She wants to talk to you in her room when you go to bed.
Hammy:	Aiight, anythin' else?
Ro-Ro:	We was tight once.
Hammy:	And we still is.
Ro-Ro:	Yo, what's got you buggin'? You got problems if you won't even tell me, yo' boy.
Hammy:	I can't tell dat.
Ro-Ro:	You shittin' me, cuz you got da voice of Dizzenmark's King comin' to you.
Hammy:	Yo, I prolly ain't gonna live long enough to see dat.
	Enter the Players with recorders.
	Yo, let me see dat [He takes a recorder]. Aiight, so why you tryin' to get me in a net like dis?
Gilly:	If I sound like a punk, it's cuz we tight.
Hammy:	What? Here, play dis.
Gilly:	Yo, dawg. I can't do dat.
Hammy:	Come on.
Gilly:	I ain't shittin' you. I can't.
Hammy:	Please, dawg. Come on.
Gilly:	I'm tellin' you. I can't.
Hammy:	Yo, dis shit's easy. Jus' cover up dese holes and blow.
Gilly:	But it'll still sound like shit.
Hammy:	What da shit? You play me like a fuckin' punk, but you can't play dis fuckin' pipe? You callin' me easier to play den dis bitch!
	Enter P-Lo
	Whazzzup, dawg.
P-Lo:	Yo, Trudy wants to talk wit' you, dawg.
Hammy:	You see dat cloud dat looks like a camel?
P-Lo:	Werd, it looks kinda like a camel.
Hammy:	More like a fuckin' weasel.
P-Lo:	Dat too.
Hammy:	Or a whale.
P-Lo:	True.
Hammy:	Aiight, I'll go see my moms. [Aside] Dese bitches is pushin' me. - Aiight.
P-Lo:	I'll tell yo' moms.
Hammy:	Aiight, peace out.
		[Exeunt all but Hammy.]
	It's da scary time of night When da ghost and all hell comes out. Kinda makes me want to be evil. But I'll go to my moms wit' my heart strong. Aiight, let's do dis shit.
		Exit.

 

Act III
Scene 3	Scene: The Castle
	Enter C-Dawg, Ro-Ro, and Gilly.
C-Dawg:	Yo, he's fucked up and we can't let dis shit slide. Y'all get ready to go to Izzengland so we can take care of dis.
Gilly:	We know you gots to do what you gots to do.
Ro-Ro:	We know some people gots dey's private stuff, and dat's all good. But when it start's screwin' other people's shit, we gots to stop it. It ain't jus' da King dat's gettin' it, but all his peoples too.
C-Dawg:	Do dat shit, aiight. Good luck, dawgs.
Ro-Ro:	Respect.
		Exeunt Gentlemen [Ro-Ro and Gilly].
	Enter P-Lo.
P-Lo:	C-Dawg, he's goin' to his moms. I'll hide behind a curtain and listen to all da shit dat goes down like you suggested. It'll be sweet. I'll come back before you go to bed and tell you what went down.
C-Dawg:	Big ups to you, P-Lo.
		Exit [P-Lo].
	Dis shit stinks. Jus' like wit' Cain and Abel. I can't decide dis shit at all. Wit' my brother's blood on my hands. How you wash dat shit off? How can I even pray for dis? I can't be forgiven cuz I still got da goods from da murder. I can do what I want down here and get off, but you can't hide dis shit in Heaven. I gots to pray and hope dis shit works out in da end. [He kneels.]
	Enter Hammy.
	Now I should do it. While he's prayin' I can do it. [He draws his 9.] And he goest to Heaven. And I'd have my revenge. But it don't make sense to send a punk to Heaven. Naw, I can't do dis shit now! [He puts up his 9.] When he ain't watchin', dat's when I'll do it. So he goes straight to Hell. Now, back to my moms.
		Exit.
C-Dawg:	Dis prayin' is pointless.
		Exit.

 

Act III
Scene 4	Scene: The Queen's Private Chambers
	Enter Trudy and P-Lo.
P-Lo:	He's comin'. Tell him you ain't gonna put up wit' his shit.
Hammy:	(Within) Moms, moms, moms!
Trudy:	Hide, he's comin'.
		[P-Lo hides behind a curtain.]
	Enter Hammy.
Hammy:	Moms, whazzzup!
Trudy:	You've pissed off yo' pops.
Hammy:	You've pissed off my pops.
Trudy:	You answer like a punk ass.
Hammy:	You question like a bitch ass.
Trudy:	Hammy...
Hammy:	What's wrong?
Trudy:	Have you forgot who I am?
Hammy:	Naw, moms: You da Queen, C-Dawg's ho, and - dammit - my moms.
Trudy:	If you gonna be like dat...
Hammy:	Naw, sit down. You ain't goin' nowhere 'till we find out what's buggin' you.
Trudy:	What you gonna do, kill me? HELP!
P-Lo:	[Behind the curtain] What? Help!
Hammy:	[Drawing] What da shit? A rat! A fuckin' dead rat!
		[He shoots through the curtain.]
P-Lo:	[Behind the curtain] Shit, dawg.
		[He falls and dies.]
Trudy:	What did you do!?!
Hammy:	I dunno, is dat C-Dawg?
Trudy:	Dis is bad.
Hammy:	True dat - almost as bad as killin' a King and den marryin' his brother.
Trudy:	Killin' a King!
Hammy:	Dat's what I said.
		[He parts the curtain and sees P-Lo.]
	Peace out, dumbass. I thought you was somebody else. - Moms, stop bein' so uptight. Sit down.
Trudy:	What I do dat makes you talk to me like dat?
Hammy:	You did some fucked up shit dat was so far beyond bad. It makes me sick jus' thinkin' 'bout it.
Trudy:	What is it dat was so low?
Hammy:	[Showing her two pictures] Look at dese. It looks like two brothers, but it ain't. See how tight dis one was. Lookin' all pimped out and like a true playa. Dat was yo' boy. Now look at dis. Dis is yo' new boy, lookin' like a bitch. Don't you see dis? Dis ain't love, it's jus' dat yo' thinkin' is mixed up. What punk ass caused dat? Dammit. Don't be ashamed, dis shit happens even to old people.
Trudy:	Hammy, don't say nuthin' else. I know what you is talkin' 'bout.
Hammy:	But you still live wi'dat punk bitch even tho you see it.
Trudy:	Hammy, stop. I don't want to hear dis.
Hammy:	He's a bitch, not even nuthin' close to his victim. He's a stank bitch.
Trudy:	Shut up!
	Enter Ghizzost [in his nightgown].
Hammy:	Pops, be my angel. Help me out.
Trudy:	He's gone crazy!
Hammy:	Ain't you here to put me down. For wastin' too much time.
Ghizzost:	Belie' dis shit. Don't forget why you doin' dis. Now, look at yo' moms. Talk to her, Hammy.
Hammy:	What's wrong, moms?
Trudy:	What's wrong wit' you? You lookin' at nuthin', talkin' to nuthin'. You buggin' out. Tell me what you lookin' at.
Hammy:	Him! Yo, don't you see him? - Don't look at me like dat! - Don't you see?
Trudy:	See what?
Hammy:	You don't see nuthin'?
Trudy:	Nuthin'.
Hammy:	And you don't hear nuthin'?
Trudy:	Jus' you and me.
Hammy:	Look, he's runnin' off. My pops, jus' like when he was alive. Look at him leavin'.
		Exit Ghizzost.
Trudy:	You jus' imaginin' things. It's jus' a hallucination.
Hammy:	Hallucination? I ain't imagnin' nuthin'. Moms, you gots to belie' dis. You gots to repent or you'll get caught up in dis when it all goes down.
Trudy:	Hammy, you cut my heart in half.
Hammy:	Get rid of da evil half, keep da good half. Night. But don't go to C-Dawg. Don't give in to him. I say good night and I hope you forgive me for dis.
		[Pointing to P-Lo.]
	I be sorry, but dat's da way it goes. I'll take care of dis. you don't worry 'bout it. Sumfin' else?
Trudy:	What do I do?
Hammy:	Don't let dat bitch C-Dawg get you in da sack. No matter what he does. Tell him anythin', jus' stay away from him. But don't tell him I'm jus' actin' crazy, aiight?
Trudy:	Aiight, I won't tell him dat.
Hammy:	I gots to go to Izzengland. You know dat?
Trudy:	True, I forgot.
Hammy:	Dey got papers for me to take, and my boys Ro-Ro and Gilly, who I wouldn't trust for shit, gonna take me. I know dey gonna try to pull some shit, but I'm gonna trick 'em good. Good night, moms. I'll take dis bag of crap into another room. - You ain't talkin' so much now, is you? - Night, moms.
		Exeunt [separately, Hammy dragging P-Lo].

 

Act IV
Scene 1	Scene: The Castle
	Enter C-Dawg and Trudy, with Ro-Ro and Gilly.
C-Dawg:	Sumfin's wrong. Where's yo' boy?
Trudy:	Y'all leave us alone for a bit.
		[Exeunt Ro-Ro and Gilly.]
	C-Dawg, I have seen some crazy shit.
C-Dawg:	What? What's up wit' Hammy?
Trudy:	He's frikken nuts. He think he hears sumfin' behind da curtain, shouts "A rat!" and shoots P-Lo.
C-Dawg:	My God. He woulda shot me if I'd been dere. He's gettin' dangerous to everybody. And now he did dis. How's he gonna pay? Where'd he go?
Trudy:	He went to rip P-Lo's body all apart. He's buggin' like crazy.
C-Dawg:	Trudy, forget 'bout dis. I'll send him off tomorrow, den we wont have to worry 'bout him no more - Yo, Gilly!
	Enter Ro-Ro and Gilly.
	Hammy capped P-Lo and run off wit' da body. Y'all gots to go find it.
		[Exeunt Ro-Ro and Gilly.]
	Come on, Trudy. We'll tell everybody what's goin' down. Dis is not good. Let's roll.
		Exeunt.

 

Act IV
Scene 2	Scene: The Castle
	Enter Hammy.
Hammy:	And dat's dat.
Ro-Ro, Gilly:	(Within) Hammy! Yo, where you at?
Hammy:	Yo, what's dis? Who be callin' me? Here dey come.
	Enter Ro-Ro and Gilly.
Ro-Ro:	Yo, where's P-Lo?
Hammy:	In da ground.
Ro-Ro:	Tell us where he is so we can give him a real burial.
Hammy:	Naw, don't belie' dat.
Ro-Ro:	What? Belie' what?
Hammy:	Dat I ain't got no secrets. Besides, what's a prince got to give to an ass kisser.
Ro-Ro:	Yo, you callin' me an ass kisser?
Hammy:	True dat. Always kissin' C-Dawg's ass. But ass kissers are C-Dawg's best people. At least 'till his ass is raw.
Ro-Ro:	Yo, what da shit you talkin' 'bout?
Hammy:	Ain't no thang, punk ass.
Ro-Ro:	You gots to tell us where P-Lo is and come wit' us to C-Dawg.
Hammy:	Da body is wit' da King, but da King ain't wit' da body.-
Gilly:	What da fuck?
Hammy:	Forget it, let's go see C-Dawg.
		Exeunt.

 

Act IV
Scene 3	Scene: The Castle
	Enter C-Dawg and two or three.
C-Dawg:	I sent Ro-Ro and Gilly to find him and P-Lo. Damn, he's fuckin' dangerous! But da people love him. So I can't do nuthin' but send him away like I got planned.
	Enter Ro-Ro, [Gilly], and everybody.
	What's up wit' dis?
Ro-Ro:	Yo, he won't tell us where P-Lo is.
C-Dawg:	Where's his ass at?
Ro-Ro:	Back dere. He's guarded good.
C-Dawg:	Aiight, bring him in.
Ro-Ro:	Aiight, bring da bitch in.
	They enter [with Hammy].
C-Dawg:	OK, Hammy, where da hell is P-Lo?
Hammy:	Eaten.
C-Dawg:	Eatin'? Where?
Hammy:	He ain't eatin', he's bein' eaten. By some worms. Dat bitch is worm food now.
C-Dawg:	Aww, shit.
Hammy:	Now, if da worm eats P-Lo, and a fisherman catches a fish wi'dat worm, if he eats da fish, den-
C-Dawg:	Yo, what da hell you gettin' at?
Hammy:	I'm jus' tryin' to show yo' ass how a king can get shit out by a beggar.
C-Dawg:	Where da fuck is P-Lo!?
Hammy:	In Heaven. Send sombody. If he ain't dere, you go to Hell and find him yourself. But hey, if you don't find him soon, you'll smell his stank ass under da stairs to da lobby.
C-Dawg:	[To some attendants] Go get him.
Hammy:	He ain't goin' nowhere.
		[Exeunt Attendants.]
C-Dawg:	Aiight, Hammy, for everybody's safety - which is da most important shit - we gots to send you away to Izzengland. So get yo' ass ready to go.
Hammy:	To Izzengland!
C-Dawg:	True dat.
Hammy:	Tight!
C-Dawg:	Sure.
Hammy:	Kick ass! Respect, moms!
C-Dawg:	I'm yo' pops, Hammy.
Hammy:	Moms, pops, it's all good. To Izzengland. We out!
		Exeunt.
C-Dawg:	Follow his ass. I don't need nuthin' goin' wrong. Everythin's all set up.
		[Exeunt all but C-Dawg.]
	So dat when Hammy gets to Izzengland and delivers dese papers, he'll get popped. Dis will finally get his ass of my nuts. Do yo' shit, Izzengland. Do yo' shit.
		Exit.

 

Act IV
Scene 4	Scene: The Coast of Dizzenmark
	Enter Tiny with his army over the stage.
Tiny:	Yo, Cappy, go tell da King "Whazzzup!" Tell his ass Tiny be here and wants to cut through. Aiight?
Cappy:	Aiight, Tiny.
Tiny:	Aiight, respect.
		[Exeunt all but Cappy]
	Enter Hammy, Ro-Ro, [Gilly], etc.
Hammy:	Yo, who dis shit?
Cappy:	Dey from Nizzorway, dawg.
Hammy:	Why y'all here?
Cappy:	We got some Blood bitches to cap.
Hammy:	Who in charge?
Cappy:	Tiny, dawg.
Hammy:	Exactly why is you doin' dis?
Cappy:	Dis little piece of shit land. Ain't worth nuthin', but Tiny still wants it all.
Hammy:	If it's shit, den da Bloods ain't gonna defend it.
Cappy:	True dat.
Hammy:	Killin' and frontin' and blingin' ain't gonna fix dis shit. Thanks, man.
Cappy:	Respect.
		[Exit]
Ro-Ro:	Come on, Let's roll!
Hammy:	Aiight, I'll get wit' you in a sec.
		[Exeunt all but Hammy]
	Man, what da fuck is wit' dis shit What is a man if all he does Is eat and sleep. Nuthin' but a bitch. Yo, we wasn't born to be bitches Well, dat don't confront me none, Long as I get my shit done But look at dis army of Tiny's All ready to go out and bust a cap. jus' cuz of some fuckin' land And my pops is capped, my moms... And all I do is talk shit. But dese bitches go to die. Yo, from now on, dis punk shit is over.
		Exit

 

Act IV
Scene 5	Scene: The Castle
	Enter Lil' Ho , Trudy, and a G
Trudy:	I don't wanna hear her bitch.
G:	You gots to, she's buggin'.
Trudy:	What she want?
G:	She talkin' 'bout her pops, says it's messed up what happened. But she buggin'. She talkin' shit, ain't makin' no sense.
Lil' Ho:	Yo, you should talk to her, she might say sumfin' you don't want said.
Trudy:	Aiight, bring her in.
		[Exit G]
	[Aside] Dis is some wack ass shit.
	Enter Ophie [distracted]
Ophie:	Where you at, Trudy?
Trudy:	Whazzzup, Ophie!
Ophie:	(She sings) "How I know Yo' love is true, By yo' crazy hat, yo' walkin' stick, Or yo' tight Lugz shoes."
Trudy:	Yo, what dat s'posed to mean?
Ophie:	What? Naw, jus' hol' up. "He be so dead, So dead and gone, Wit' grass by his head, And by his shoe, stone." Werd.
Trudy:	Ophie, hol'-
Ophie:	Naw, check it. "His death shroud be white-"
	Enter C-Dawg
Trudy:	Yo, C-Dawg, check dis.
Ophie:	"And all covered with flowers, Which didn't fall onto da ground Wit' tears, a true-love shower."
C-Dawg:	Whazzzup, Ophie?
Ophie:	Whoa, dawg. We know da past, but not da future. Shit!
C-Dawg:	She pissed 'bout her pops.
Ophie:	Naw, forget dat. Check it: "Tomorrow is Saint Valentine's day,    All in the morning betime, And I a maid at your window,    To be your Valentine. Then up he rose, and donned his clothes,    And dupped the chamber door, Let in the maid, that out a maid    Never departed more.
C-Dawg:	Ophie-
Ophie:	Hol' up, I be almost done: "By Gis and by Saint Charity    Alack, and fie for shame! Young me will do 't, if they come to 't    By Cock, they are to blame. Quoth she, 'Before you tumbled me,    you promised me to wed.'" He answers: "'So would I ha' done, by yonder sun,    An thou hadst not come to my bed.'"
C-Dawg:	Yo, how long she been like dis?
Ophie:	I hope it'll be all good. But I can't handle dem layin' my pops in da ground. I gots to tell my brotha. Respect! Peace!
		[Exit]
C-Dawg:	[To Lil' Ho] Follow her, watch her good, aiight.
		[Exit Lil' Ho]
	Damn, she's fuckin' lost it. All because her pops got popped. Trudy, Trudy Why all dis shit gots to happen? First, Ophie's pops gets capped, Den Hammy be gone, he da killer My peoples be buggin' Talkin' 'bout P-Lo's gettin' popped And we jus' tryin' to bury him fast. Ophie done lost it And now Latrell be comin' from Frizzance. And he gonna blame me. Trudy, why dis shit gots to happen?
		A noise within.
Trudy:	Yo, what dat sound?
C-Dawg:	Aww shit, where my crew at?
	Enter a Messenger
	Yo, what?
Messenger:	Get out, dawg. Latrell is pissed and he's comin'. And he got his posse wit' him.
Trudy:	Yo, dis is wack.
	Enter Latrell
C-Dwag:	My fuckin' doors!
Latrell:	Yo, whizzere is C-Dizzawg? - Yo, stizzay outside.
All:	Come on, let us in, dawg.
Latrell:	Gizzo away!
All:	Aiight, aiight.
Latrell:	Aiight, Shut da dizzor. [Exeunt followers] Aiight, bizzitch. Gimme my pizzops.
Trudy:	[Holding him] Aiight, slow yo' roll, Latrell.
Latrell:	Yo, my pizzops got pizzopped. I ain't dizzown wi'dat shizzit.
C-Dwag:	What got you so pissed, Latrell? Let him go, Trudy. It's all good. Drop it, Latrell. Let him go. Drop yo' shit, dawg.
Latrell:	Where my pizzops?
C-Dwag:	Dead.
Trudy:	But C-Dawg didn't do it.
C-Dwag:	Yo, let him talk.
Latrell:	How he dizzie? Don't try to fizzuck wit' mizze. I ain't gizzot time for no shizzit. Sizzomeone's gonna pizzay!
C-Dwag:	Who gonna stop you?
Latrell:	I hizzold myself bizzack.
C-Dwag:	Aiight, Latrell, if I tell you, you gonna bug out and cap everybody?
Latrell:	Only da pizzunk bizzitch dat pizzopped my pizzops.
C-Dwag:	True dat.
Latrell:	True. All dizzem other bizzitches is cizzoo' wit' mizze.
C-Dwag:	Aiight, now you coolin' out. I didn't do nuthin' to yo' pops. But I still be feelin' bad.
		A noise within.
Latrell:	Yo, what dizzat?
	Enter Ophie
C-Dwag:	Let her in.
Latrell:	Aww, shizzit. Why it gizzots to bizze like dizzat? All fizzucked up. Ophie! Why you gizzots to bizze so messed up by dis shizzit?
Ophie:	(Song) "They bore him barefaced on the bier, Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny, And in the grave rained many a tear--" Peace out, dawg.
Latrell:	Yo, dats some tizzight shizzit. Dat gizzets to mizze.
Ophie:	Now, you gots to sing "A-down a-down", and you gots "call him a-down a-down." Now, dat is sweet.
Latrell:	Dis shizzit is bizzeautiful.
Ophie:	Rosemary, to remember. Pansies, for thoughts.
Latrell:	Yo, dis is wizzack. She bizzuggin'.
Ophie:	Fennel and some columbines for you. Rue for you, rue for me, but yours gots to be different. You gets a daisy. I'd give you some violets, but dey died wit' my pops. Aiight: [Sings.] "For bonny sweet Robin is all my joy."
Latrell:	Yo, she mizzake everythin' tizzight.
Ophie:	(Song.) "He ain't never comin' back. He ain't never comin' back.    Now he done been capped.    He ain't no more strapped. No, he ain't never comin' back. His bear was all white like snow And his head was jus' as white, yo    He is dead, he is dead,    Now get him out yo' head. Lord have mercy on his soul!" Respect to all y'all.
		[Exit]
Latrell:	Yo, you pizzeep dis shizzit?
C-Dawg:	Yo, I know you feelin' down. I'll tell you dis: if you or any of yo' crew can prove it was me dat capped yo' pops, I will give you all da shit I gots to make up for it.
Latrell:	Aiight. His gettin' pizzopped, bizzuried with no shizzit to mizzark it, no fizzuckin' funeral. Dis shizzit is so wizzack, you gots to tizzell me all da shizzit 'bout it.
C-Dawg:	True dat. I'll tell you who popped him. Let's roll, dawg.
		Exeunt

 

Act IV
Scene 6	Scene: The Castle
	Enter Lil' Ho and others
Lil' Ho:	Yo, who wants me?
G:	Some sailor bitches. Dey say dey gots a letter for you.
Lil' Ho:	Aiight, get 'em.
		[Exit G]
	Yo, dis gots to be from Hammy. Who else gonna send me a letter.
	Enter Sailors
First Sailor:	Big ups, dawg.
Lil' Ho:	True.
First Sailor:	Aiight, I got dis letter for you - from da dawg goin' to Izzengland - if you is Lil' Ho.
		[He gives a letter]
Lil' Ho:	[Reads.] "Lil' Ho, when you read dis shit, send dese dawgs to C-Dawg. Dey gots some shit for his ass too. Aiight, check it. We been sailin' for two days. Suddenly dis pirate ship was fuckin' chasin' us. We was too slow. Dey caught us. And I was deir bitch. But I cut a deal. Give C-Dawg his shit and come get me quick. I gots to tell you some shit you ain't gonna belie'. Dese dawgs will take you. Ro-Ro and Gilly still goin' to Izzengland. I gots some shit on dem too. Respect.
	Da phattest pimp, Hammy."
	Aiight, let's roll. I'll get you to C-Dawg, den you lead me to Hammy.
		Exeunt

 

Act IV
Scene 7	Scene: The Castle
	Enter C-Dawg and Latrell.
C-Dawg:	You belie' me now. We is tight. You know da punk dat popped yo' pops was after me too.
Latrell:	True dizzat. But why ain't you dizzone nuthin' to pizzunish his pizzunk ass?
C-Dawg:	Aiight, check it. His moms would die if I did anythin' to him. And I'd die if his moms died, so dat's one reason. Da other reason is cuz da people love his ass. If I fuck wit' him, dey gonna bitch all over me.
Latrell:	So my pizzops is dizzead, my Ophi bizzuggin'. But I will gizzet my revizzenge.
C-Dawg:	Don't go buggin' over dat. I loved yo' pops. He was-
	Enter Messenger
	Yo, whazzzup?
Messenger:	Letters from Hammy, dawg. Dis to you, dis to Trudy.
		[He gives letters.]
C-Dawg:	Hammy? Who brung 'em?
Messenger:	Some sailor bitches. I didn't see 'em.
C-Dawg:	You can hear dis too, Latrell. Peace.
		[Exit Messenger]
	[Reads.] "C-Dawg I is back. Tomorrow Ill find you and tell you how I got back.
	Hammy."
	What da shit is dis? Everybody comin' back? Or is someone fuckin' wit' me?
Latrell:	Yo, can you tizzell who wrizzote it?
C-Dawg:	It's Hammy. It says he comin' alone. Can you explain dis shit?
Latrell:	I don't knizzow. Let him cizzome. Den I can tizzell him to his bizzitch ass fizzace.
C-Dawg:	Ture dat. He gots to be comin' back. Yo, will you do what I tell you?
Latrell:	Trizzue, long as you don't trizzy to fizzuck me out my revizzenge.
C-Dawg:	Aiight, I got dis plan to bust a cap in Hammy's ass. But it'll look like an accident. It's some tight shit.
Latrell:	Yo, can you fizzix it so dat I can bizze da one dat kizzills him?
C-Dawg:	It's all good. Dey say you gots a skill dat Hammy ain't as good in. Dat's what we gonna use.
Latrell:	What skizzill be dizzat?
C-Dawg:	Somethin' everybody respects and gives props to. I was fightin' dis bitch from Nizzormandy. Now, da Frenchies is good on a horse, but dis bitch was da shit. It was like he was fuckin' half horse or some shit. He kicked my ass good.
Latrell:	A Nizzormand?
C-Dawg:	True.
Latrell:	Naw, not Lizza.
C-Dawg:	True dat.
Latrell:	I knizzew dat bizzitch. He was da shizzit.
C-Dawg:	He told me you was da shit whe it come to fencin'. And when Hammy heard dat, he was fuckin' buggin'. He begged me to get you here so he could fight you. So from dis-
Latrell:	What, dizzawg?
C-Dawg:	Yo, did you love yo' pops, or is you jus' frontin'?
Latrell:	Yo, why you gizzots to izzask dat?
C-Dawg:	I ain't sayin' you don't. I'm jus' sayin' you can't be a punk bitch 'bout dis. You gots to be strong. What would you do to Hammy to show how much you loved yo' pops?
Latrell:	I'd fizzuckin' slit his thrizzoat in a chizzurch!
C-Dawg:	Aiight, aiight. Now, revenge shouldn't be bad. But Latrell, you gots to do dis: Stay in yo' room. When Hammy gets here, I'll set it up so y'all can fight and you can use a real sword instead of dose candy ass ones. A pointy one. And I'll get Hammy all worked up wit' a huge bet on you.
Latrell:	Aiight. Den i'll pizzut some pizzoison on it. I gizzot some tizzight shizzit.
C-Dawg:	Aiight, but if dat don't work, I'll get some juice. I'll put some poison shit in it so dat when he gets tired, if you ain't got him wit' yo' shit, he'll drink da poison. [A cry within.] Yo, what da shit was dat?
	Enter Trudy
Trudy:	Yo, again it is sad. Ophie be drowned.
Latrell:	Drizzowned? Where?
Trudy:	Dere's a tree by da river. She had all dese pretty flowers on her. She went into da water. Her clothes held her up for a bit, but den she went down and didn't come back up.
Latrell:	She be drizzowned?
Trudy:	True, drowned.
Latrell:	Yo, Ophie, you've hizzad enough wizzater. But I can't stizzop my tizzears. [He weeps.] When I is dizzone, she will bizze hizzappy. I could sizzay somethin', but now ain't da rizzight tizzime.
		Exit
C-Dawg:	Let's go, Trudy. I had to do all dis to calm him down, now dis is gonna get him goin' again. Let's roll.
		Exeunt

 

Act V
Scene 1	Scene: A Churchyard
	Enter two Gravediggers [with shovels and pickaxes].
First Digger:	She gettin' buried like dis and she tried to kill herself?
Second Digger:	True dat, so don't fuck wit' her grave. She gettin' buried nice.
First Digger:	Yo, dat's wack, unless she drowned in defense.
Second Digger:	True dat.
First Digger:	A justified 187 .I mean, if I drown myself, I drown myself like an action. And you do an action by thinkin' it and doin' it. So she drowned herself.
Second Digger:	Naw, dawg. It's-
First Digger:	Naw, check it. A dawg is here, da water is here. If dis dawg goes to da water and drowns himself, he drowns himself. But if da water goes to him and he drowns, it ain't his fault. Aiight.
Second Digger:	Is dat true?
First Digger:	True, dawg.
Second Digger:	So you sayin' if she wasn't so high up, she wouldn't get buried like dis?
First Digger:	Dere you go. 's fucked up dat da rich get treated better if dey kill deyselves den normal people. Come on, shovel. Let's do dis shit. Jus' like Adam.
Second Digger:	Was he a pimp?
First Digger:	True, da first pimp to use dis shizz.
Second Digger:	Yo, he didn't have nuthin', tho.
First Digger:	Can't you read. Da Book says Adam digged. You can't dig wit'out tools. But here's anotha question-
Second Digger:	Aiight.
First Digger:	Who builds his shit better den a mason, carpenter, or ship builder.
Second Digger:	Da guy dat builds dem 'lectric chairs. Dem bitches last for fuckin' ever.
First Digger:	Yo, dats some funny shizz. But dat shizz is for da bad people. And you bein' bad sayin' da 'lectric chair be built stronger den da church. Try again, shithead.
Second Digger:	"Who builds his shit better den a mason, a carpenter, or ship builder."
First Digger:	True. Drop it.
Second Digger:	I dunno, dawg.
First Digger:	Yeah, you do.
Second Digger:	Naw, dawg. I don't.
	[Enter Hammy and Lil' Ho [at a distance].
&nbps;
First Digger:	Aiight, shithead. Give it up. Da anser is "A gravedigger." His shizz lasts 'till doomsday. Yo, go get me a forty.
	[Exit Second Digger, First Digger digs.]
First Digger:	(Song.) "In youth when I did love, did love,    Methought it was very sweet, To cotnract-O-the time for-a-my behove,    O, methought there-a-was nothing-a-meet."
Hammy:	Yo, dis punk bitch is singin' while he digs.
Lil' Ho:	It makes him less scared, I guess.
Hammy:	Dat's still pretty messed up, tho
First Digger:	"But age with his stealing steps    Hath clawed me in his clutch, And hath shipped me into the land,    As if I had never been such."
	[He throws up a skull.]
Hammy:	Yo, dat used to be somebody's head, and dat punk bitch throws it around like it was shit. Dat could have been somebody important.
Lil' Ho:	True.
Hammy:	Or maybe it was jus' some ass kisser. Jus' some old punk ass kisser.
Lil' Ho:	True dat.
Hammy:	Still, it's fucked up how he jus' throws dem bones around. Are dem bones no better den bowlin' pins?
First Digger:	"A pickax and a spade, a spade,    For and a shrouding sheet; O, a pit of clay for to be made    For such a guest is meet."
	[He throws up another skull.]
Hammy:	Yo, dere goes anotha. Dat could been some lawyer bitch's skull. Where all his shizz be at now? Why he let dis grave digger toss his shizz around? He might of been a tight lawyer. Is dis what he gets for his shizz? Is it? Don't he even gets to stay in his coffin?
Lil' Ho:	Guess not, dawg.
Hammy:	Don't dey make contracts out of sheepskin?
Lil' Ho:	True, and cow skin too.
Hammy:	Weak shizz. Aiight, I'll talk to dis bitch-Yo, whose grave is dis, biotch?
First Digger:	Mine, dawg "O, a pit of clay for to be made    For such a guest is meet."
Hammy:	Yo, true dat. You da one lyin' in it, so it be yo' grave.
First Digger:	You outside of it, so it ain't yo' grave. I don't lie in it, but it be mine.
Hammy:	Yo, you do lie in it, bein' in it and sayin' it be yo' grave. A grave for dead people, not live bitches, so you lyin'.
First Digger:	Ain't no thang, dawg.
Hammy:	Yo, what G dis for?
First Digger:	No G, dawg.
Hammy:	Auught, what ho?
First Digger:	No ho, neither.
Hammy:	Den who bein' buried in it?
First Digger:	She used to be a ho, but now she dead.
Hammy:	Yo, dis bitch is wack! You gots to whatch what you say-Yo, how long you been a grave digger?
First Digger:	Since da King beat Tiny.
Hammy:	How long ago was dat?
First Digger:	Don't you know. Every foo' knows dat shizz. Da day Hammy was born-but he crazy and dey sent his ass to Izzengland.
Hammy:	Why dey send him to Izzengland?
First Digger:	Cuz he was crazy. He go dere to get betta. And if he don't dey don't care in Izzengland.
Hammy:	Whyzat?
First Digger:	All dem bitches in Izzengland is crazy.
Hammy:	How he be crazy?
First Digger:	A wack ass way, dey say.
Hammy:	Wack? How?
First Digger:	He lost his damn brains.
Hammy:	Where?
First Digger:	Here in Dizzenmark. I been in charge of grave diggin' shizz for thirty years.
Hammy:	How long somebody stay in da ground before dey gets all rotted?
First Digger:	Yo, if a body ain't rotted when he goes in-we got plenty of bitches nowadays wit' smallpox and syphillis-his ass might last eight or nine years. A tanner bitch's ass will last longer.
Hammy:	Yo, whyzat?
First Digger:	His ass is so tanned it keeps out da water and shizz dat rots you. Water is some wack shizz. [He picks up a skull.] Dis skull been in da ground for twenty-three years.
Hammy:	Who was it?
First Digger:	A crazy nigga. Who you think it was?
Hammy:	I ain't gots no clue.
First Digger:	A crazy nigga. He dumped a forty on my head once. Dis skull, dawg, was Phat-Yo, da King's jester.
Hammy:	Dis?
First Digger:	True.
Hammy:	Let me see dat. [He takes the skull.] Yo, Phat-Yo. We was tight, Lil' Ho, a crazy nigga, a true pimp. He used to carry me on his back, but now all dat makes me sick. I think I gonna lose it. Here was where his lips used to be. Yo, where yo' jokes now? Yo' jivin' and frontin' dat made everybody laugh? Ain't nobody laughin' now? Feelin' down? Go to my ho's room and tell here to come here. Make her laugh. Yo, Lil' Ho, tell me dis.
Lil' Ho:	What dat, dawg?
Hammy:	You think Alex looked like dis in da ground?
Lil' Ho:	True.
Hammy:	And smelt like dis? Damn.
	[He puts down the skull.]
Lil' Ho:	True dat, dawg.
Hammy:	We all go to dust, Lil' Ho. Why can't we imagine Alex's trip to bein' a cork?
Lil' Ho:	Ain't no point, dawg.
Hammy:	Naw, check it: Alex died, Alex got buried, Alex turned into dust, dust turned into earth, and dat earth gets used to make corks, so why not? Julius C. be dead and jus' dust and shizz. Maybe his ass be used in da wall fixin' biz. Damn, dat a dawg was so coo', Now jus' fix da wall for some foo'.
	Enter C-Dawg, Trudy, Latrell, and the corpse [of Ophie, in procession, with Priest, lords, etc.]
	Yo, hol' up. Here comes C-Dawg, Trudy, some otha bitches. Who dey followin'? And all fucked up like dat? Dat means da corpse dey followin' killed itself. Dey musta been high up. Yo, let's watch dis shizz.
	[He and Lil' Ho hide themselves. Ophie's Body is taken to the grave.]
Latrell:	What else?
Hammy:	[To Lil' Ho] Dat's Latrell, a tight dawg. Check it.
Latrell:	What else?
Priest:	Yo, she killed herself. For dat, she shouldn't get buried in dis place. She should get buried in bad ground. Instead of prayers, she should get rocks and shizz thrown on her. But naw, she gets a good burial.
Latrell:	Is dere any mizzore of dis shizzit?
Priest:	Naw dawg, ain't no more. She don't deserve a death song.
Latrell:	Den put her in da grizzound. And whizzere she be lizzayin', I hizzope violets grizzow. Peep dis, bizzitch, my sista be an izzangel when you be in Hizzell.
Hammy:	[To Lil' Ho] Yo, dat's Ophie!
Trudy:	[Scattering flowers.] Sweets to da sweet! Peace. I wished you had married Hammy. I thought I'd cover yo' marriage bed, not yo' coffin.
Latrell:	Fuck dis shizzit. I hope dis shizzit all comes dizzown on da bizzitch dat cizzaused dis.-Hol' up, let me hizzold her one mo' tizzime.
	[He jumps into the grave and hugs Ophie.]
	Now, cizzover dis up, on bizzoth of us 'till you've mizzade a mizzountain of dizzirt high enough to tizzouch da skizzy.
Hammy:	[Coming forward.] Yo, who is so messed up dat his grief filled words make even da planets freeze up and stand around like punk bitches? Dat's me, Hammy.
Latrell:	[Grappling with him.] Go to Hizzell!
Hammy:	Yo, dat ain't coo'. Step off my dick, dawg. Even though I ain't violent, dere's sumfin' in me dat's dangerous. Step off!
C-Dawg:	Break dem up.
Trudy:	Hammy, Hammy!
All:	Dawgs!
Lil' Ho:	Yo, shut up!
	[Hammy and Latrell are parted.]
Hammy:	I'll fight dis bitch over dis 'till I be dead.
Trudy:	Over what, Hammy?
Hammy:	I loved Ophie. A bajillion brothers couldn't equal my love. What you do for her?
C-Dawg:	Yo, he crazy, Latrell.
Trudy:	Leave him alone.
Hammy:	Naw, show me what you do. Cry? Fight? Not eat? Rip youself apart? Drink vinegar? Eat a croc? I'll do it! You come here to whine like a bitch? To outdo me by jumpin' in her grave? Get buried wit' her and I'll do it too. And if you want a mountain, Let dem throw dirt until dey reach da moon. I can be jus' as crazy as you.
Trudy:	Dis be madness. While Hammy be all up in his shizz, Latrell jus' wait and don't say nuthin'.
Hammy:	You hear dis? Why you playin' me like dat? We used to be tight, but dat shit's done. Every dawg gets his day.
C-Dawg:	Lil' Ho, go wit' Hammy, aiight.
	Exit Hammy and Lil' Ho.
	[To Latrell] Remember da stuff I told you. We'll take care of dis shizz soon.-Trudy, get somebody to watch Hammy.-It'll be all good, dawg. Soon all dis shizz be done, so now we jus' gots to be patient.
	Exeunt.

 

Act V
Scene 2	Scene: The Castle
	Enter Hammy and Lil' Ho.
Hammy:	Enough of dis shizz, dawg. You remember what I wrote you?
Lil' Ho:	True.
Hammy:	I knew some bad shit was gonna go down. I could feel it.
Lil' Ho:	True dat.
Hammy:	I went out my cabin at night, went to Ro-Ro and Gilly's, and stole dem orders dey had. I had to read dem. What I found out, dawg, was dat dey said dat, to keep Dizzenmark and Izzengland safe, dey was to cut off my head.
Lil' Ho:	No way.
Hammy:	[Giving a document.] Check dis, but not now. You wanna know how I got out of dis?
Lil' Ho:	True.
Hammy:	Aiight, when I found all dis shizz out, I sat down and wrote a new set of orders. Good thing I remembered how to write good. You want to know what I wrote?
Lil' Ho:	True dat, dawg.
Hammy:	Aiight, C-Dawg, cuz he was tight wit' Izzengland, said dat da dawgs who bring dis letter should be killed wit' no time for confession or nuthin'.
Lil' Ho:	Yo, how'd you seal it?
Hammy:	Check it, I had my pops's ring, so I folded da note, stamped it, and put it back wit'out no one knowin'. Da next day we got caught by da pirates, but you know dat shizz.
Lil' Ho:	So Ro-Ro and Gilly gonna die.
Hammy:	Yo, dey deserved it. We wasn't tight. Dey was a couple of punk bitches.
Lil' Ho:	A true King!
Hammy:	Don't you think now I gots to be like dat-dis bitch killed my pops, made my moms his ho, and cut me out my shit-so it makes sense for me to cap dat bitch, don't it? And ain't it wrong to let dis shit go on?
Lil' Ho:	Yo, he gonna find out what went down in Izzengland soon.
Hammy:	True dat. But meanwhile, I gots my shizz. Life is too short. And I'm sorry, Lil' Ho, I shouldn't have got all up in Latrell's face like dat. But his frontin' got me messed up.
Lil' Ho:	Hol' up, who dat?
	Enter a Courtier [O-Dawg]
O-Dawg:	Welcome back to Dizzenmark, dawg.
Hammy:	Thanks. [To Lil' Ho] Yo, you know dis bitch?
Lil' Ho:	Naw, dawg.
Hammy:	Dat's a good thing. Dis bitch is a punk. Jus' cuz he gots a lot of land, he tight wit' C-Dawg.
O-Dawg:	Dawg, if it's all good, I gots sumfin' from C-Dawg.
Hammy:	Aiight, give it to me. And put yo' hat on.
O-Dawg:	Respect, dawg. But it's hot.
Hammy:	Naw, it's cold, dawg.
O-Dawg:	Werd, it's sorta cold.
Hammy:	Tho it is kinda hot for da way I feelin'.
O-Dawg:	True dat, dawg. True. C-Dawg wants me to tell you he made a bet on you. See-
Hammy:	Come on, dawg.
	[Hammy moves him to put on his hat.]
O-Dawg:	Naw, dawg. It's all good. Check it, today Latrell came in-a true pimp, belie' dat. Da truest of da true pimps.
Hammy:	I heard dat, and I know he is tight. But, to be true, I know dat da only true things dat best describe him is his mirror, not one of his followers, a punk in his shadow.
O-Dawg:	You speak high of him, dawg.
Hammy:	What's da point? Why we gots to wrap dis dawg in our sweet breaths?
O-Dawg:	What?
Lil' Ho:	Yo, can't you understand him? It's all good, dawg.
Hammy:	Why you tell me 'bout dis dawg?
O-Dawg:	Latrell?
Lil' Ho:	[To Hammy.] He's lost all his fancy words.
Hammy:	True, Latrell, dawg.
O-Dawg:	I know you don't not know-
Hammy:	I know you know dat, but dat don't do nuthin' for me. Go on, dawg.
O-Dawg:	You don't not know 'bout how good Latrell is-
Hammy:	I wouldn't say dat. I'd have to know myself to know his excellence.
O-Dawg:	I meant wit' a weapon. Ain't nobody good as him.
Hammy:	What weapon?
O-Dawg:	Sword and dagger.
Hammy:	Dat's two-but aiight.
O-Dawg:	C-Dawg bet six horses against. Latrell bet six tight swords and daggers wit' some tight holders. And 3 sweet carriages.
Hammy:	Yo, what you mean carriages?
Lil' Ho:	[To Hammy] I know you didn't know dat.
O-Dawg:	Da holders, dawg.
Hammy:	Da word might work better if we was talkin' 'bout cannons. So it's six horses against six swords and three holders, da French 'gainst da Danish. And why he bet dis?
O-Dawg:	C-Dawg bets dat in 12 rounds, Latrell wont be able to beat you. Latrell says he can beat you in 9 rounds. Now, if you give an answer, we can do dis shizz.
Hammy:	What if I answer no?
O-Dawg:	I meant yo' answer for da fight.
Hammy:	Aiight, let's get it on. I'll fight for C-Dawg. If I win, aiight. If I lose, all I gots is my shame and some cuts.
O-Dawg:	Yo, you want me to tell C-Dawg dat?
Hammy:	True dat, dawg.
O-Dawg:	Aiight, I'll do dis.
Hammy:	You, you. [Exit O-Dawg.] He best do it, ain't nobody else can do it for his ass.
Lil' Ho:	Da bitch runs away wit' his hat on.
Hammy:	Bein' as ceremonious as suckin' his momma's nip. But he gots-like otha people like him-jus' a frontin' of a few phrases, which gets him through but when you test him, he don't hold up to nuthin'.
	Enter a Lord
Lord:	Yo, C-Dawg, told by O-Dawg, wants to know if you ready to fight Latrell.
Hammy:	Werd. If C-Dawg is ready, I is ready.
Lord:	C-Dawg and Trudy is comin'.
Hammy:	Aiight.
Lord:	Trudy wants you to greet Latrell nice before you fight.
Hammy:	True.
	[Exit Lord.]
Lil' Ho:	You gonna lose, dawg.
Hammy:	Naw, I think I will win. Since he went to Frizzance, I been practicin'. I think I gots it on my side.
Lil' Ho:	Naw, dawg, but-
Hammy:	I know it's a crock of shit, but it calms me down.
Lil' Ho:	Yo, if you don't think it's all good, tell me and I'll call it off.
Hammy:	Yo, nobody knows da future, so who gives a shit. Jus' let it go, dawg.
	A table prepared [Enter] trumpets, drums, and officers with chairs; C-Dawg, Trudy, [O-Dawg,] and all the state; swords, daggers, [and forties brought in,] and Latrell.
C-Dawg:	Come on Hammy, take his hand.
	[C-Dawg puts Latrell's hand in to Hammy's.]
Hammy:	I is sorry, dawg. I did you wrong. Forgive my punk ass. Everybody knows I been punished for all dis wit' bein' crazy. All da shizz I did was cuz I was crazy. Did Hammy wrong Latrell? Naw, cuz Hammy wasn't Hammy. Hammy was buggin'. So now, in front of all dese people, I ask you to forgive me. It was all an accident, dawg.
Latrell:	Aiight, it's all gizzood. Though I'm stizzill pissed off at da shizz you dizzid, for now I accept yo' lizzove wit' lizzove.
Hammy:	Coo', now I will play you-Give us da swords.
Latrell:	Aiight, gizzet me one.
Hammy:	I be yo' foil, Latrell. I'll make you shine like a star.
Latrell:	You jizzivin' me, dizzawg?
Hammy:	No way.
C-Dawg:	Give dem swords, O-Dawg. Hammy, you know da bet.
Hammy:	True, C-Dawg. You bet on da weaker side.
C-Dawg:	Dat don't confront me none. I seen y'all both. He bet higher, so it's all good.
Latrell:	Yo, dis is too hizzeavy.
	[He exchanges his sword for another.]
Hammy:	Dis sword is tight. Dese all good?
	[They prepare to play.]
O-Dawg:	True, dawg.
C-Dawg:	Set up da forties. If Hammy gives da first or second hit, or quits on da third, all da cannons fire. I'll crack a forty for Hammy. And I'll throw in a pearl. All da trumpets and drums will play. And everybody will know "Now C-Dawg drinks to Hammy." Let's go.
	Trumpets all the while
	Pay attention, O-Dawg.
Hammy:	Come on, dawg.
Latrell:	Let's gizzo.
	[They play. Hammy scores a hit.]
Hammy:	One.
Latrell:	Naw.
Hammy:	O-Dawg?
O-Dawg:	A hit. A tight hit.
	Drum, trumpets, and shot. Flourish. A piece goes off.
Latrell:	Aiight, agizzain.
C-Dawg:	Hol' up, five me a forty. Hammy, dis pearl is for you.
	[He throws a pearl in Hammy's forty and drinks.]
	To yo' health. Give him da forty.
Hammy:	Hol' up, I'll play dis round first. Aiight, let's do dis. [They play.] Another hit, what you say?
Latrell:	Aiight, a tizzouch, a tizzouch.
C-Dawg:	Hammy shall win!
Trudy:	He's out of shape and breath. Here, Hammy, take my napkin and wipe some sweat off. A toast to yo' luck!
Hammy:	True!
C-Dawg:	Trudy, don't.
Trudy:	Naw, C-Dawg. Slow yo' roll.
	[She drinks.]
C-Dawg:	[Aside] Da poisoned forty. Shit!
Hammy:	I can't drink jus' yet. Aiight.
Trudy:	Let me wipe da sweat off you.
Latrell:	[To C-Dawg] Aiight, I'll hizzit him nizzow.
C-Dawg:	I can't watch.
Latrell:	[Aside] I almost fizzeel bad 'bout dizzis.
Hammy:	Come on, dawg. Let's throw down. And don't be holdin' back.
Latrell:	Wizzerd? Aiight.
	[They play.]
O-Dawg:	Nuthin'.
Latrell:	Take dis shizzit!
	[Latrell wounds Hammy; then in scuffling, they switch swords, and Hammy wounds Latrell.]
C-Dawg:	Break dis up!
Hammy:	Naw, let's do dis.
	[Trudy falls.]
O-Dawg:	Yo, check out Trudy!
Lil' Ho:	Dey both gots a hit. How it feel, dawg?
O-Dawg:	How you, Latrell?
Latrell:	Like a chizzump. I is kizzilled by my izzown shizzit.
Hammy:	Yo, how be Trudy?
C-Dawg:	She fainted cuz of da blood.
Trudy:	Naw, da forty. Da forty-Hammy, my boy-da forty! I is poisoned!
	[She dies.]
Hammy:	Aww, shit! Lock da door. What da shit's goin' on?
	[Latrell falls. Exit O-Dawg.]
Latrell:	Yo, izzit my fizzault. Hammy. You is dizzead. Ain't nizzuthin' you can dizzo. Da weapon is in yo' hizzand, nizzaked and covered wit' pizzoison. It kizzilled me tizzoo. C-Dawg. C-Dawg is to blizzame.
Hammy:	Yo, da point gots poison too? Den do yo' shit!
	[He stabs C-Dawg.]
All:	What da shit!
C-Dawg:	Hol' up, it's jus' a cut, dawgs.
Hammy:	[Forcing C-Dawg to drink] Here, punk ass motha fucka. Drink dis shit! Follow my moms.
	[C-Dawg dies.]
Latrell:	Justice is done. Dat bitch is dead. Now, Hammy, make peace wit' me. My death and my pops's death ain't yo' fault, and yo' death ain't mine.
	[He dies.]
Hammy:	True dat! I is right behind you. I is dead, Lil' Ho. Damn you, Trudy. Peace! All y'all, if I had time to tell you-but death don't give you no time-I could explain. But I is dead, Lil' Ho. You is still alive. You gots to tell dem what went down.
Lil' Ho:	Naw dawg. I'll follow you. Dere's a little juice left.
	[He tries to drink the poisoned forty. Hammy stops him.]
Hammy:	Give dat forty to me! Let go! Give it. Lil' Ho, I is sorry for you. But if you love me, if we is tight, you gots to tell my story. (A march afar off [and a volley within].) Yo, what dat?
	Enter O-Dawg.
O-Dawg:	Tiny, he back from Pizzoland, and salutes da peoples from Izzengland.
Hammy:	I is dead, Lil' Ho. Dis poison has done its shit. I can't live to hear what went down in Izzengland. But Tiny gets my vote. Tell him, wit' all da shizz dat happend-all is quiet.
	[He dies.]
Lil' Ho:	A noble heart is dead. Good night, sweet dawg. Let da angels fly you up to Heaven.
	[March within.]
	Yo, why da drums comin'?
	Enter Tiny, with the [English] Ambassadors [with drums, colors, and attendants.]
Tiny:	Yo, where's all dis?
Lil' Ho:	Depends on what you see.
Tiny:	Dis heap of dead looks like a drive-by. Death, what made you take all dese peoples at da same time?
First Ambassador:	Dis is wack. We is too late. Da ears we was to tell can't hear no more. What C-Dawg asked was done. Ro-Ro and Gilly is dead. Who gonna give us our props?
Lil' Ho:	Not from his mouth, if he could talk. C-Dawg never wanted dem dead. But since you is askin' and you is back grom Pizzoland, you from Izzengland, put dese bodies on display so dat I can tell everybody what went down. You'll hear all da bloody details, all about da murders, da bad choices, all dat shizz. I tell it to all y'all.
Tiny:	I gots to hear dis. I is sad to do dis, but I gots some old rights to dis place which I can now take.
Lil' Ho:	Dat too I'll tell you 'bout. But first we gots to do dis before any otha shizz goes wrong.
Tiny:	Four captains can take Hammy, like a soldier cuz he was probably da most royal. And for his death, soldier music and a salute. Take all dese bodies. Dis shizz is for da battlefield, here it shows sumfin' is bad. Tell dem soldiers to shoot.
	Exeunt [marching, bearing off the dead bodies; a peal of ordinance is shot off.]

The End
FINALLY